I’m late to the laptop this morn. This delay consequential of yours truly undertaking three hours of ironing, along with tidying chez Strachan. My creative sojourn also slightly held back from being unable to locate the aforementioned device; this inconvenience resultant from forgetting where I’d hid laptop prior to bedtime.

In the event you’re planning to burgle my home, I’ll not disclose where I concealed my beloved device late yesterday evening. Needless to say, though, at some point around 10pm last night I clearly must’ve concluded burglars never look under settees…… Oh crap, I’ve just told you.

A well-meaning friend, when hearing of this morning’s hunt for the laptop, advocated I negate against a repeat of this episode by leaving myself a note. This post stick reminding me where I’d hidden any valuables. As I say, their intentions were utterly well-intended, however it’s a suggestion I won’t be embracing.

After all, I see little point in obscuring my computer device out of sight, then leaving myself a note on the fridge stating ‘The laptop’s under the settee’. This advertising of my concealment rendering the act of making the laptop’s location clandestine worthless.

Well, unless any potential thief was unable to read, or was severely short sighted and had forgotten his spectacles. I’d imagine, though, even the stupidest of burglars wouldn’t attempt to burgle a home without vision correction. After all, attempting to avoiding wake the home owner while undertaking a break-in would surely be hampered when myopic.

This lack of gigs leading to stumbling into furniture, knocking over ornaments, or waking the dog by inadvertently standing on it….. Not to mention, being unable to read reminder notes telling you where the owner’s laptop is hidden.

Do you hide all your valuables prior to observing Wee Willie Winky’s advise on retiring for the night, Gary?” I hear you cry…… Ok, I can’t hear you say it, and if I could you’d likely not deliver it in the same pretentious sentence uttered by one GJ Strachan of this parish…… See, I just can’t stop can I?

Anyway, to answer the above question, no I don’t ordinarily conceal my valuables before bedtime. The majority are already hidden in a place where no burglar of my home would ever find them……. They’re under my brother’s settee……. Crap, yet again, I’ve said too much!

I’m gonna have to conclude my monologue shortly; I need to go procure root vegetables to add to the corned beef hash I’m making myself for supper. This one pot comfort meal is simple and wholesome cuisine, packed full of goodness and perfect for a freezing cold day like today.

This broth also having the boon of providing me with dinner over two days….. Well, as long as prior to bedtime I don’t hide the remnants somewhere ridiculous like under my settee. Not that you should have to conceal corned beef hash. As the saying I’ve just made up goes ‘Food should be healthy, not stealthy’.

As tasty as this dish is, I can’t imagine someone in the midst of burgling my home would have the gall to tuck into the left overs of my one pot meal. It’d be like a scene from Goldilocks and the Three Bears. An episode which if written into a sitcom, the storyline’s whimsy could be augmented by the burglar penning a negative response on my culinary skills on TripAdvisor. A critique which I imagine would contain the following:-

‘Strachan’s corned beef hash required more seasoning to negate the dish’s blandness…. I’d recommend if you’re gonna burgle his home to take sandwiches….. Oh, and by the way, it’s worth always looking under his settee.’