Watching the prevailing global shenanigans brought forth by COVID-19 make me feel as though I’ve been transported into a post-apocalyptic scene within a John Wyndham book. A sentiment leading to notions it’s only a matter of time before there’ll be triffids terrorising the avenues and alleyways of our planet.

That being said, it’s not all grim news. Despite coronavirus’ enduring and ever worsening grip around the global family’s necks, it’s heartening to see the populace of the island GJ Strachan inhabits can still maintain their sense of humour.

In the last few days, I’ve read countless postings on social media making whimsical slights at the virus itself, along with our behaviour in its wake. Proving that there’s some basis in fact to the cliche we Brits gain comfort from laughing in the face of adversity.

I was particularly amused with this Facebook group posting I saw this morning, comically referencing the selfishness of panic buying:-

Just been in Morrisons. Saw a fella whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!
I called him a selfish **** gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things. Told him he should be f*cking ashamed of himself!
He said: “that’s all good and well mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?”

On reading the above through my still focussing eyes at reveille I laughed heartily. Manifesting notions that the world’s new number one nemesis maybe able to cause untold heartache and destruction in its path, but it can’t take away our resolve at fighting this invisible pathogen.

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Witnessing this public spirit and stoicism moved me to attempt penning a rousing (although tongue-in-cheek) Churchillian-esque speech. Which goes something (well exactly) like this:-

(In Churchill’s voice….. That’s. the late WWII prime minister, not the puppet dog from the car insurance commercials):-

“My fellow Britains, I’m here to address you at a juncture when we and our global cousins face the starkest of all foes. An enemy invisible to the naked eye who maybe everywhere and anywhere, even potentially a sumo wrestler’s jockstrap. Its stealth and potentially fatal consequences meaning proportionate risk analysis and guidance by scientific spokespeople should be adhered to forthwith.

Proportionate risk analysis means lifestyle sacrifices will have to made by us all, while we seek to contain this virus, which brings with it a capability for the darkest of all conclusions. Avoidance of large gatherings and sumo wrestler’s jockstrap is the advocation of top medical minds…… Although, it’d be fair to say the latter, although unlikely to be confronted upon our shores, should be avoided even when not in crisis!

Understandably, these sacrifices and concerns about contracting COVID-19 will be both frustrating and worrying. 

(At this point forcefully thumping the prime ministerial lectern to rouse his public) But Britains these a disparate and desperate times. New ground for all of us, be it butcher, baker or cocktail shaker! Be we shall NEVER ever give in to this faceless nemesis!!

(With ever more rousing vocal pitch) We will fight it in the streets, we shall fight it on the beaches, we will fight it in our homes…… God damn it, we shall fight it at Fred’s Carpet Emporium on Clackfield High Street; which incidentally has a good offer on linoleum at the minute!

(Thumping the table and orating at almost shouting pitch to be heard above cheering parliamentarians). So I say to you now my fellow countryman, batten down the hatches against this spiteful pathogen foe!….. WE WILL PREVAIL!….. WE WILL PREVAIL!”

The speech closes with rapturous applause and Winnie laughing manically.

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Anyhow, back to humorous social media posts surrounding this crisis. Not wanting to be outdone by my compatriots in the whimsy stakes, I posted the following topical post relating to the same subject:-

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Gary Strachan – Marked safe from coronavirus toilet roll shortage!!
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I’ve done a spot of panic room bulk buying of my own today in the shape of my favourite crisp and snack multipacks…… who needs toilet roll when you’ve got used Disco, Ringo and Hula Hoop packets?!
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Near 1800 blogs, plus other literary projects of mine…….
Me to adult son – “One day these words will make you and our Rach (his sister) very rich!”
Adult son to me – “Nope, dad….. One day these words’ll make me very warm!”
Bloody kids!!
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The tongue in cheek biographical data I wrote for my 39th self-published book