This morning, county folk of West Yorkshire prised open still weary eyes to a visual canvas of snow. To be clear, the scenes of which I write were the outdoor view from the populous’ bedroom windows, not that people had woke to a sleeping chamber full of the cold, white stuff….. Unless, of course, they’d slumbered with the room’s window wide to the wall, when that may’ve well been the case!
As I looked out upon this aesthetically pleasing scene from my own bedroom window, I somewhat poetically concluded this vision before me wouldn’t have been out of place in a remake of C.S Lewis’ children’s fantasy novel The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe.
Well, that’s if you could somehow acquire a lion and a witch to roam the Leeds/Wakefield borders, anyhow. A difficult aspiration to fulfil I’d venture,
Unless, of course, you took the decision to merely call the production The Wardrobe. However, with a lion and a witch being an integral part of the plot line, I’d suggest the latter scenario would seriously diminish the artistic integrity and suspense element of that particular Chronicle of Narnia.
Despite Leo, one of the neighbourhood felines, being sandy of colour and ample of girth I’m unconvinced he has the stature, aggression and vigour to portray a convincing lion. The lethargic cat can barely be bothered to leave the comfort of its owners armchair, never mind confront the evil White Witch.
As alluded to earlier, casting a witch locally may also bring with it insurmountable challenges. Locating a harridan with a huge boil on the end of her snout, who’s also an accomplished navigator of the West Yorkshire skies on broom stick won’t be easy…… I should know, I’ve had the following advert in the local paper shop for the last eight months:-
“Middle aged man seeking woman in 40’s/50’s for walks, socialising and broom stick frolics. Must have a good sense of humour, like back hair (although preferably not have any themselves), a loving, caring nature and a Netflix account. As my eyesight’s not the best, looks aren’t essential. However, good personal hygiene is crucial – Anyone smelling of Camembert or Vicks vapour rub need not apply.”
Now, I’m told that yours truly isn’t an ugly man (well, not now anyway) and like to think my lonely hearts advertisement shows I bear a sensitive, loving and caring personality. Yet, despite this, I’ve not had one response to this erudite, whimsical and thoughtfully penned plea for a suitor……. Hmmmmm, I wonder if a begging letter might prove more fruitful!
Maybe my mentioning of broom stick frolics puts off what’d be otherwise interested beaus. After all, the adrenalin rush experienced during such escapades has diminished markedly since the inception of 20 mph speed limits around the village; consequently rendering the act less appealing.
I realise that placing an ad in the local paper shop in search of a partner is pretty old hat these days. I’m told by friends that in contemporary times Tinder is the best way of securing a suitor.
I’d beg to differ, though. Last week I posted the exact same advertisement as above on my Tinder profile and, as with the old school paper shop lonely hearts advertisement got absolutely no response!!