Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

A Brush With Recklessness

As a consequence of yesterday evening failing asleep in the middle of inter-tooth cleaning, this morning I woke to the discomfort of an angled interspace dental brush prodding into my belly button.

Understandably, my initial sentiments on discovering the cause of this abdominal irritation was of relief that I’d not nodded off with the brush still in my mouth. A scenario which would’ve presented yours truly with a significant choke risk.

At this juncture, I’d like to clarify I don’t ordinarily undertake any form of dental maintenance in bed. Yesterday evenings veering from the status quo a result of initial grooming tardiness on my part, in association with finding my interspace dental brushes perched on my bedside cabinet. For the uninitiated, the type of dental product I’m alluding to is pictured below:-

interspace_3

Each colour has a different size head, depending on the scale of it’s buyers tooth gapping;  normally I purchase is the yellow. Not that the chromatic aesthetics of the dental cleaner would’ve really mattered if I’d have fallen asleep with it in my mouth. After all, I’d confidently venture all colours would provide the same risk from a choking perspective if swallowed.

My lucky escape from an overnight experience of falling asleep, has taught me how versatile these dental cleaning products are. By that I mean, as a consequence of waking with the brush wedged in my umbilicus, I’m now in possession of the fact interspace teeth cleaning brushes are effective belly button grooming products.

Although a lesson learned inadvertently, waking to a cotton wool ball size of umbilicus fluff and a salted peanut*** wedged on the sharp narrow brush head opened my eyes to the versatility of this orthodontic purchase.

*** – I suspect, though, the peanut wasn’t removed from my belly button by the products spike. It’s presence more likely a consequence of my bed-time snacking. On reflection, yet another ill thought out pre-sleep habit of mine which introduces choke risk. 

Incidentally, I’d like to make it clear I immediately binned the brush that’d been belly-button in situ. This action ensuring under no circumstances that it could be utilised at a later date for removing inter-tooth debris……. Jeez, my moral compass isn’t that lax!!

With yesterday’s narrative, Avoiding The Well-Meaning Slap, touching on the subject of choking, I appear to have developed an unhealthy obsession with the topic of asphyxiation through careless ingestion of foreign objects.

Concerned about this recent compulsion, my mind meandered to how a session with a psycho-analyst should I seek help for this apparent pre-occupation. Some of the session’s dialogue perhaps going like this?!:-

Psycho-analyst (PA) – “It seems to me, Gary, you’re obsession has it’s roots in your fear of choking”

GS – “Why though, and what can I do about it?!”

PA – “It’d posit the cause is you’re regressing to childhood when you nearly drowned on holiday in France.”

GS (Bemused) – ” I can’t remember nearly drowning as a child!……… In fact, during my fledgling years I don’t recall ever holidayed in France!”

PA (Defensively) – “Don’t take that confrontational tone with me. It’s not my fault your parents were too-tight fisted to take you on French vacations!”

GS (Angrily) – “My family weren’t tight-fisted!…. Every year without fail we went on a east coast holiday to my grandparent’s bungalow in Filey.”

PA (Patronisingly) – “Well Filey’s hardly France is it!!”

GS (Irritated) – “No, but we had great holidays. My family loved our week there each July.”

PA (Mischievously) – “Just a week in Filey as your annual vacation….. See what I mean, tight-fisted!”

GS (Disenchanted at PA’s attitude) – “Aren’t you not supposed to be helping me understand the roots of my asphyxiation obsession?….. Not antagonise me and insult my family!”

PA – “I am helping you!”

GS (Bemused). – “How?!!…… All you’ve done is claim my problems are a consequence of a childhood incident which didn’t happen. In place my family never even visited!!….. How does that help?!”

PA – “Freud said that every psychological issue known to man fundamentally had it’s roots in their childhood.”

GS (Irritated) – “Yes, but he meant occurrences that actually happened!….. You’re advocating my new compulsion is a consequence of a childhood incident that didn’t occur!”

PA (Incomprehensibly) – “You get what you pay for!”

GS (Baffled) – “What does that even mean?!”

PA (Aiming to clarify) – “You’ve only paid for the basic £100 a session service, not the premium rate advocacies which cost £250 a time.

GS (No clearer as to what PA was alluding to) – “What is the difference between the two session options?”

PA (Bluntly) – “The basic session is mostly wild supposition….. The premium service is more likely to pinpoint the genuine root cause.”

GS (Angrily) – “You’re just a charlatan, aren’t you!”

PA (Disinterested in my disenchantment) – “Right that’s your hour up, Mr Strachan….. That’s £100 you owe me!”

 

Categories: Blogs, family, fiction, health/medical, humour

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