Shopping Channel Shenanigans

As I write, my wife Karen is watching the QVC channel. With no sign of a phone within her close vicinity I’m hoping it’s merely for research purposes, not with a view to impulse buy a product we really don’t need. Something, we’re been guilty of when under the hypnotic influence of cable shopping channels.

Our gung-ho approach too often resulting in justifying to each other the unneeded item purchased over the phone was too cheap to miss out on.

Over the years yours truly has often been guilty of succumbing to the influencing skills of an attractive lady presenter on the aforementioned channels. Incidents resulting in a few days hence receipt of misguided, tacky and never to be used purchases.

Behaviour that frequently leads to family admonishments for my recklessly buying of items such as a set of ‘Carry On….’ mugs, a Ainsley Harriet mug tree, a Hattie Jacques liberty bodice and a ‘Play Golf the Gert Frobe Way’*** book.

*** – Gert Frobe – The actor who played the title character Auric Goldfinger in the 1964 Bond movie directed by Guy Hamilton.


Talking of celebrities playing the game that US writer Mark Twain deemed to be a good walk spoiled, reminds me of a gag I wrote in a previous literary offering. The epiphany surrounding two cubs golfers chatting in the clubhouse bar, which went as follows:-

Golfer 1 – “My new kryptonite golf driver arrived this morning.”

Golfer 2 – “Do you not mean a graphite driver?!”

Golfer 1 – “No kryptonite….. I’ve got 18-holes against Superman next week and wanna make sure I whip his ass!!”

I’ll openly admit it’s not a joke that’ll score high on the Les Dawson Hilarity Scale. However, I deemed it as clever on a lower level and as such it’s staying.

This golf coaching book a typical example of how I’m easily lured into the world of acquiring unrequired tat. After all I don’t play or indeed have any desire to play the game. I suppose like the ‘Carry On…’ franchise mugs they just seemed like a good idea at the time.

Perhaps golfer 1 (G1) in the gag above might fancy a read to learn the Teutonic nemesis of 007’s golfing hacks. (Pardon the pun)….. Or, if G1 a portly chap akin to Herr Frobe he might be more interested in the Hattie Jacques liberty bodice……. Or, maybe fancy one of my ‘Carry On’ mugs in which to enjoy a 19th hole beverage with Clark Kent’s alter-ego.

Mercifully, I’m not as impulsive as the days when my habit was so severe I was admitted to the Betty Ford Clinic. A move my family felt necessary after I’d woken one morning in a disorientated state, laying in a gutter outside the Price-Drop TV studios.

My attendance at Shopping Channels Anonymous quite clearly not making any tangible impact on my addiction to impulse buying tat. Meetings where I suffered the humiliation of introducing myself to fellow addicts with “Hello, my name’s Gary and I buy absolute sh**e pimped on cable shopping channels……”

Karen’s addiction, although longer in duration, hasn’t at any time reached the severity of my experiences. For instance, unlike me, my missus hasn’t suffered the ignominy of waking in a gutter after overdosing on misguided QVC purchases. The lowest her habit’s thus far reached was waking in some pretty awful pj’s she bought from Price-Drop TV.

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