In The Wee Small Hours

I’ve written before of how creatively fertile my mind can be in the early hours of the morning. A trait which’s previously witnessed me both write and draw at some god forsaken hours. Sometimes even before the roosters rise and a whistling milkman arrives with float laden with dairy produce.

My extensive research has unearthed these are by no means a rarity amongst more innovative souls. A diversity of writers recorded as being blessed with the wherewithal to journal their artistic harvest afore sunrise.

Footnote – When saying extensive research, I really mean a cursory five minute scan of the ‘100 things to do overnight’ website. An unspeakable domain whose advocacies once read require visitors to bathe in a vat of sanitising lotion.

Anyhow, it’s believed the root cause of these creatively fertile episodes is the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain associated with ability to concentrate), which begins to falter as sleep drive increases at the end on the day. Some psychiatrists positing a process freeing the brain for more divergent thinking; allowing new associations to be more easily formed between different concepts and, potentially, creativity.

At around 3am this morning, while striving to get back to sleep after an unscheduled bathroom pitstop, I became the ‘benefactor’ of this brain purge. While setting the GPS to return to the Land of Nod an innovative idea for a smart phone app made an unexpected appearance from deep within my subconscious mind.

At the time I concluded this ‘whizzbang’ of an epiphany would significantly improve the speed of acquiring a much needed cup of tea, or perhaps even coffee…… And maybe hot chocolate, mocha, along with a host of other comforting warm beverages.

Actually, as yours truly thought about it more, it dawned on me there’s no reason it couldn’t be utilised to acquire cold drinks. After all, GJ Strachan deduced, once the app is downloaded and calibrated the liquid’s tepidity matters not.

My idea for acquiring hastily delivered brews was to open the device app and press a button which loudly announced (via their device speakers) toward the kitchen “Get us a cup of (insert drink), love!…… My mouth feels like the bottom of a budgie’s cage.”

Of course, currently this notion is very early in the inception process. As such, it didn’t escaped me there was a whole bunch of flaws to iron out before yours truly would have chance of securing a Dragon’s Den investment and live app roll out.

For instance, if you lived alone (as I currently do) they’d be no recipient on hand for the phone message. Consequently, you’d still have to get your idle ass off your sofa to put the kettle on to satisfy your caffeine fix; introducing immediate market limitations for this application software.

An additional fly in the beverage procurement ointment would be it’d be pretty worthless if you weren’t in close proximity to tea/coffee making facilities. For example, if you found yourself a bit parched half way up a mountain, or were at a friends house and they’d had their electricity cut off for none payment of the leccy bill, or their kettle and teabags had been stolen by a thirsty stork**.

** – Footnote – Other thieving birds are available, notably magpies, cuckoos and Dutch sea mallards.

Further early morning reflection upon my idea highlighted another potential downside to my app idea. That being the impolite manner in which the order is barked out could lead to confrontation between the message’s sender and receiver.

After all, the kitchen in situ individual may take umbrage at being ‘ordered’ to undertake this refreshment service. A situation exacerbated by the presence of misogynistic and patriarchal undertones; commands borne from a less enlightened and intolerant era.

GJ Strachan also concluding another further blot on his epiphany’s landscape was quite simply the app didn’t save time in any way.

After all, you’d have to possess work-shy Jim Royle (The Royle Family’s familial head) levels of idleness to order a brew via this app, as opposed to merely expending enough energy to utter the words yourself.

While pondering further it became perfectly clear the app, which I’d given a work in progress name of Jim Royle, wasn’t fit for purpose. After all, the cons heavily outweighed the pros of the project….. Which wasn’t difficult as the idea bore no pros whatsoever!…. As such in its current form it was metaphorical thrown down the nearest mineshaft.

That being said, I decided not going to throw the baby out with the bath water; instead looking to adapt the innovative notion. Contemplating the development of an app called Tourettes. This a pocket hidden device targeting passersby with undeserved and mischievous cursing outbursts, such as “T**t!”, “Pillock!”, “B*****d!” and “D**khead!”

The stealthiness of the phone disorientating the recipient as to its source. Potentially, drawing an unsuspecting (and innocent) passerby into an altercation. Victims of the recipients irk at a complete loss as to why they’ve been confronted in such a hostile manner.

Actually, the more GJ Strachan thought about this idea, like the coffee/tea app, he concluded it was also a lame duck of a notion. In fact, despite any comedic brio forthcoming from witnessing this episode play out, the very fact I’ve a desire to s**t stir in this reckless manner indicates yours truly seriously needs to address what I deem whimsical!!

Additionally, there’s no guarantee such mischief-making wouldn’t result in me also becoming embroiled in a confrontational exchange…… It appears not all early morning epiphanies are belters…… Have a word with yourself Strachan lad!!


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