Please note – These are a fictional bunch of questions, written by yours truly in an intentionally absurd style. Any answer that is highlighted as true bears not one shred of factual truth.
True or False
- True or False – Wordsmith and high school jumper monitor Gyles Brandreth’s favourite word beginning with the letter X is Xylophone? – True
- True or False – Moles are irked by the fact their hard labour constructing molehills is belittled by the adage ‘Making a mountain out of a molehill’? – False. They couldn’t give a monkeys chuff.
- True or False – To allow their decorating staff some respite from endlessly painting the Forth Bridge, East Lothian council should utilise a more robust paint product? – False. If they painted quicker, the slacking decorators would buy themselves a little hiatus time.
- True or False – Former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger success at mediating global disputes was a result of his glasses being able to hypnotise feuding world leaders? – True
- True or False – After a high profile fallout with Moonpig over the misspelling of his name in a Valentines card, former Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher buys his greetings cards from Funky Pigeon? – False. He doesn’t send cards; preferring instead to bequeath his well wishes by carrier pigeon.
- True or False – Marlon Brando’s use of butter as a lubricant in the movie ‘Last Tango in Paris’ was an irresponsible act that could’ve caused all sorts of problems if his lass was dairy intolerant? – True
- True or False – Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy passed away in 2015 after he inadvertently subjected himself to an overly aggressive Vulcan probe? – True
- True or False – Liverpool defender Virgil Van Dijk’s attempts at a cockney accent are as woeful as his uncle Dick’s? – False. Virg could easily pass as a fella born within the sound of Bow Bells.
- True or False – Feisty ex-footballer Roy Keane only wanted his dad to love him? – False. He’s not into any of that lovey dove crap.
- True or False – Coincidentally, actress Reese Witherspoon does carry around a spoon in the event she happens upon a bowl of tomato soup. True
- True or False – International Rescue founder Jeff Tracy’s youngest son Alan was actually the love child of Thunderbirds clever s***e Brains? – True
- True or False – If they tried a little bit harder, humans could outrun a cheetah over 100 metres? – False
- True or False – On every lunchtime between the years of 1965 – 1978, actor Warren Beatty feasted on a Scotch Pie? – False. It was bread and dripping that was Beatty’s ‘go to’ midday meal.
- True or False – Essex chef Jamie Oliver would love nothing more than his wardrobe being a portal into Narnia? – True
- True or False – Late boxer Joe Frazier was so dextrous that, even while adorning his boxing gloves, he was able to peel the shell from a hard boiled egg without damaging the yolk or white? – False
Below – Six of the participants as drawn by the seventh crew member during yesterday evening clambake. Back row (from L-R) – G.Strachan, I.Strachan, S.Parker; Front Row (from L-R) – J.Patterson, T.Scott, M.Todd.
The artwork above is the copyright of T.Marrison and must only be replicated with the artist’s express permission Enquiries for the pictures use can be made via his Gateshead based solicitors Haddaway & Ballicks…… Oh crap, I’ve just realised I’ve not asked for permission to use it!!
M.Todd is sponsored by Castrol GTX and is filmed in Supermarionation.
The author would like to thank the brains of the outfit, J.Patterson, for taking a break from his lecture tour, ‘The Duckworth Lewis System Explained’, to partake in the inquisitorial shindig.
T.Scott appears courtesy of the NHS Blood Transfusion Service and is shot in monochrome.
S.Parker’s beard appears courtesy of not being able to find his razor.