Endeavouring to negate my mum’s garage looking like Harold Steptoe’s rag and bone yard, this morning I booked a local council skip delivery. Consequently, in the not too distant future, Gascoigne J Strachan III will declutter the abundance of currently unused bric-a-brac residing in mater’s car shelter.

Footnote – Incidentally, my name isn’t really Gascoigne J Strachan III. It’s merely a aspirational pseudonym I’d suggest’d make a great future pen name. This new moniker I’d suggest affording me a degree of gravitas, along with raising the question “How can you be Gascoigne J Strachan III when your dad was Gascoigne J Strachan IV?”

Soon to cohabit in the waste skip with the garage detritus, will be rickety kitchen table/chairs, an ageing garden table/chairs and broken bedroom furniture. This particular declutter a mere tip of the chore iceberg I’ve set myself for 2021; a year where procrastinating and resistance to sprucing up this tired looking home must end.

Of late, I’ve been a tad neglectful with my mother’s home maintenance. Consequently, there’s not a chamber within the matriarch’s residence which isn’t in need of some TLC. The biggest projects on the horizon being bathroom and ensuite revamps, which’ll be tendered out to experts. GJ Strachan has never, and most probably won’t in the future, carried out tasks of that magnitude.

I’d reckon, if I did grasp the nettle by attempting to fit a new bathroom, my task inexperience would possibly result in a bidet being installed instead of a toilet, and the wall tiles being secured the wrong way around…… Not to mention, I’d also ponder why the hell a nettle was flourishing in my bathroom.

I’m prepared to take on small to medium DIY tasks, such as decorating, changing light switches/fittings, swapped out integrated kitchen appliances, gardening and most importantly changing the batteries in the TV/cable box remote controls. However, when it comes to undertaking a complete bathroom or kitchen fit, I’ve about as much enthusiasm for the task as that of receiving receiving a back, sack and crack wax.

As alluded to above, for the bigger Do-it-Yourself project, GJ Strachan will engage people who are experienced plumbers and fitters. Or failing that, ring the the emotional support team The Samaritans, advising if they do the job for a ridiculously low price it’ll help my tortured soul no end.

Another of the reasons behind selecting accredited fitters (or Samaritans) to undertake work in my home is I despise my house being in a mess over long periods – My theory being, if I get an expert to do the task, Feng Shui chaos should only reign for a week or so – If I undertook a project like that myself casa Strachan’d be a train wreck for weeks.

Lots of people are unfazed living for week/months within a topsy-turvy domain; however, yours truly doesn’t possess membership of the None-OCD club……. I failed the entrance exam by insisting the top right corner of the test paper faced due north.

As a consequence of this neurosis, I’m constantly endeavouring to maintain my own domain (marital home) as spick and span….. Or, at the very least, spick.

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