There’s rumours abound we in the UK maybe soon under nationwide lockdown again. I’m not gonna panic too much at the moment, though, as the bulletin emanated from the unreliable lips of our village idiot…. No, not Boris Johnson; moreover my locale’s resident dimwit Vernon Plough.

Vernon’s fake news including a series of preposterous suggestions. Amongst them, as a COVID mitigation strategy, governmental edicts will include after midday, on a daily basis, the UK public must dress in lederhosen. Additionally, the populace must desist from belching after consuming an evening meal, unless wearing a face mask…… Bizarrely belching after breakfast and lunch is allowed, but only if followed by the culprit exclaiming “More tea, vicar?!”

Ploughy also going on to idiosyncratically suggest barbers shops will only be allowed to open until the sun goes over the yardarm. At that point, shutting to deep clean premises with a steam cleaner, frankincense and myrrh. When asked if he knew what the sun going over the yardarm meant, he responded “Haven’t got a clue, Gary…. I’m just gonna grow my hair long, like I did during the first lockdown!”

In the unlikely event Vernon proves to be correct with his unreliable spoutings, as I’ve no idea where to purchase frankincense and myrrh, I’m mighty glad I don’t practise as a barber. In an unsuccessful attempt to be helpful, Vern suggested crimpers should endeavour to find three wise men; who he pointed out had no issues procuring those fragrant oils during Jesus’ birth…… A harebrained scheme providing proof, if any needed, he’d be omitted from such an erudite trinity.

Of course, with the exception of rumours of a potential second nationwide lockdown, this yarn has thus far been fictional. Even despite their inclusion of some pretty arbitrary and confusing legislation since the pandemic hit our shores, the parody rules of which I speak above, quite clearly wouldn’t form any part of edicts relating to the UK’s domestic liberties…… Anyhow, as the Germans and Austrians have unsuccessfully piloted the lederhosen solution, there’d be no way the UK’d follow that particular protocol.

Lederhosen – According to the World Health Organisation, it won’t protect you from COVID virus!

Following tonight’s live update from prime minister Boris Johnson, which new COVID restrictions will the UK public be instructed to adhere to?….. Will these orders bear a clarity of interpretation ordinarily absent during previous ministerial legislation of this type?….. Will Boris deliver his soundbites looking like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards, as is his want?…… And most importantly, will Bobby Ewing finally disclose the secret of showering for a year and remaining wrinkle free?!

If we are in lockdown, then so be it. I’ll keep on keeping on, predominantly with prevailing creative outlets, which I can luckily undertake in isolation. Should the recurrence come to pass, I’ve also a garden, affording me opportunity to procure fresh air. Not to mention a well stocked local store for comestible replenishment.

Sadly, not everyone is as lucky……. Especially Florida golfer Frank Treetrunk, whose serendipity was so capricious he was struck by lightning twelve times. Miraculously, Frank survived the lightning hits, but last Sunday was sadly run over by the ambulance who came to attend his twelfth and final meteorological electrocution……. Life sucks sometimes!!