Under coronaviruses watch, I’ve started succumbing to a practise which’s ordinarily a huge bug bear of mine – This the act of comfort buying.

Even worse, some of the impulse online purchases are taking place after a couple of glasses of wine. This practise, to borrow a much used phrase by the old lady, setting me on a road to rocky ruin. Not to mention, on occasion, ‘stuff’ being delivered which I’ve no recollection of ordering.

The advent of this new ‘hobby’, witnessing the recent procuring of five pairs of training shoes; or sneakers, as our American cousins label them. Purchases of which I’m very fond, but with hardly venturing outside the house, have currently had little opportunity to wear.

In COVID sourced lockdown, this Imelda Marcos-esque footwear obsession rendering me with three pairs of trainers, whose sole use thus far has been acting as trip hazards on my bedroom floor. This lack of wear leading to notions, during yesterday’s brief chest flutters, praying I don’t succumb to another heart attack before I get a chance to don the flipping things.

.Although, if fate deems I don’t get to wear the footwear, at least my thirty-something son’s shoe size is the same, allowing his custodianship of the unworn pairs. If he doesn’t want them, I might see if the Grim Reaper fancies a pair when he arrives to collect me. The royal blue pair, with bright yellow Adidas stripes, affording him some colour on an otherwise drab work uniform.

Incidentally, I’m assuming the sartorial elegance bereft black number worn by the Grim Reaper is a work uniform. I can believe it’s his dress down day attire. If it’s indeed a uniform, it would help clarify the case if he branded it with a chest motif of ‘Reaper & Sons – Frightening the hell out people since 5,001 BC.”.

Additionally, If the blackly dressed one had the marketing nouse, maybe he could display advertising on his noir cloak. Perhaps the likes of Co-op Funeral Services would be attracted to a working partnership…… It’s worth a punt, Reaps t’old lad! There’s no harm in asking!.

Also among my online comfort buys have been a plethora of drawing materials for my new found pastime of drawing. Worryingly, my purchasing of stationery so out of hand, although I’d be unable to paint the Forth Bridge, I reckon I’ve enough pencils, crayons and felt tip pens to colour in the vast structure..

The amount of drawing paper I’ve procured has lead to receipt of hate mail from environmental groups, claiming my paper lust has resulted in a tree cull. I’ve often wondered why Green protesters send letters of hate. After all, is the material they’ve scribbled their polemic on not sourced from a tree?!…. Not to mention the clogs and timber balaclavas they adorn.

Tree huggers speak of the great catharsis consequential of cuddling a tree trunk, even with the discomfort resultant from adorning the chains…… Well, apart from when they need the bathroom, or if they lose the chain’s padlock key!

As an aside, yesterday I pondered how the prevailing collective wearing of face masks was affecting the bank robbery ‘industry’. Among the notions crossing my mind was how villains carefully planned ‘jobs’ were suffering as a consequence of massed public anonymity.

When bank in situ, would the felon be able to identify their partners in crime amongst the face mask fest? Would they, like the Grim Reaper, have to mitigate the identity issues by adorning a ‘team’ uniform. The blaggards adorning matching hi-vis jackets adorning a chest motif of ‘Archer & Sons – Doing over banks since 1983’……. The ‘team’ sponsor Guy Ritchie Productions.

COVID has brought with it a whole raft of existential barriers, not just the lawful, but also crooks, who must be having a dreadful time. Their lot made tougher by people working at home reducing burglary options,, identity issues when robbing banks, along with a lack of government furlough for the crime industry, catering for a loss of earnings. It has to be said, I really don’t envy those currently struggling to earn an indecent living.

Anyhow, I need to bring this to a conclusion now. Yours truly needs to navigate my way around a plethora of training shoes so I can vacuum a cluttered bedroom floor…. Wish me luck!