Yesterday evening, lockdown rules in certain areas of West Yorkshire and Lancashire were tightened again, following reports of COVID spikes in Greater Manchester and Yorkshire pennine mill towns. The only certainty about these new edicts, affecting around four million people, is the uncertainty they create.

From what I understand, the populace in those areas cannot rendezvous inside others homes, but can mix at a ‘social distance’ outdoors on public transport, in bars, restaurants and other selected venues.

Evidently, there’s a caveat allowing individuals to visit peoples homes if they form a social bubble. This arbitrary group formed from ladies/gents who’ll provide mental and physical support to those struggling in lockdown. Which begs the question, due to the rules vagueness, could you not just make all wannabe visitors part of this enigmatic band?

It’d be utterly crass to vilify directives aimed at mitigating against the spread of coronavirus; which isn’t the intention of this polemic. What I’m baffled by is ……. well, why the edicts are so baffling.

Akin to an ill thought out pub quiz round, communication of these advocacies from the UK government seemingly raise more questions than they answer.

It may not be the case, but it appears individuals devising and communicating the tweaks don’t themselves fully understand the guidance. Consequently, perceived uncertainty and inconsistencies in the rhetoric contribute to resistance and frustration from great swathes of those impacted.

With mischief, I often think the more capricious orders make as much sense to the UK public as being guided to reduce contraction risk by wearing their cap peak backwards….. Actually, though,, moving the peak away from my face does sound a decent idea for reducing jeopardy; I may try that!!….. There’s no need to thank me 😉

Anyway, UK prime minister Boris Johnson has just p***ed on my chips by facilitating a TV briefing to the British public. Much to my chagrin, his oration actually increasing my understanding of the new remits, rendering my previous 200+ words unreliable and  unwarranted.

Remissly, though, he forgot to mention the benefits of wearing cap peaks to the back……. Come on, Boris!….. Focus fella!!

Anyhow, to conclude, yours encloses the round of intentionally absurd questions, along with equally fictional answers, written for a Zoom quiz with buddies yesterday evening. These ocular related enquiries inspired by the government advisor who drove his car thirty miles to test if his eyesight was fit for purpose:-

• 1 – True of False – Late cross-eyed ‘That’s Life’ poet Cyril Fletcher originally gained fame when donning a lion suit to portray Clarence in the 1960s/70s TV jungle romp Daktari? – False
• 2 – True of False – Despite his stooge Syd Little adorning specs with more glass than the Hubble telescope, it was the 20/20 vision funny half of the act, Eddie Large who, through erratic skin pigmentation, got called specky? – True
• 3 – True of False – Late comedian Marty Feldman’s pronounced wall-eyedness meant he was in big demand as a tennis umpire? – True
• 4 – True of False – Ex-Welsh rugby union captain and commentator Eddie Butler is coloured blind. Consequently, he’s oft heard inadvertently cheering on Wales’ opponents during rugby union internationals? – False
• 5 – True of False – TV horticulturist Alan Titchmarsh’s legendary vanity leads to him not wearing specs while filming. Resulting in multiple reshoots following Titchers inadvertently planting shrubs upside down? – True
• 6 – True of False – Whilst filming the movie Titanic, Leo De Caprio claims to have seen the iceberg miles earlier the the ships lookout. Adding that if he’d been part of the crew that fateful night the White Star Line ship would’ve avoided disaster? – False
• 7 – True of False – American airline pilot Dirk Cougar claims kudos from possessing 20/20 vision is unwarranted. Mooting he’d rather have the power of making himself invisible to freak out passengers and crew, than having eyes like aa hawk? – True
• 8 – True of False – After forgetting his specs for his driving test, TV chef Ainsley Harriott was forced to glue two shot glasses upon his eyelids to pass the mandatory sight element of the test. – False
• 9 – True of False – Vain glorious club cricketer Jackson Stubbs adamancy he won’t wear his gigs while batting means in 14 years of playing the game his only run contribution was a leg bye against Troutbeck Meat Factory’s 3rd team? – False
• 10 – True of False – Myopic Arsenal defender David Luis claims that having resplendent long curly locks is far more important than improving his shite defending? – True
• 11 – True of False – The bingo call “Kelly’s eye, number one.” was original called as “Japs eye, number one”? – True
• 12 – True of False – Cyclopses are pretty fucking scary? – True
• 13 – True of False – Spice girl Posh Spice doesn’t smile much as she’s worried her glass eye will fall out during a photo shoot? – False
• 14 – True of False – Late Hot Chocolate singer Errol Brown’s eyesight was so poor that he once preformed a whole gig with his back to the audience? – False
• 15 – True of False – Jon Bon Jovi had x-ray vision. This allowed him to immediately diagnose drummer Tico Torres’ broken rib cage after falling from the stage in Seattle? – True