I like to think I’m a reasonably pragmatic fellow who, where possible, seeks rational solutions when confronted with existential antagonists. Not all of my notions are successful, such as the occasion, while bereft of colander, I misguidedly used a tennis racquet to sieve spaghetti. A foolish culinary strategy in many ways, however, as Bulgarian philosopher Hardov Hearing once eruditely observed “It’s far nobler to try and fail than to do without pasta dishes.”

Mindful of this penchant for solution seeking, yesterday I emailed the government (well, a buddy called Archie) with the following potential range of punishments for those non-essential workers continuing to broach governmental edicts on leaving home during the COVID-19 crisis:-

• Tagging
• Waterboarding
• Make them watch as a labrador puppy litter runs off with their toilet tissue, akin to the Andrex loo roll commercials.
• Police having the powers to change culprits names by deed poll to Grenville (even the women). If they already bear the name Grenville, enforced name change of the law flouter to Mrs Parsons.
• Police returning those broaching social distancing legislation back into their homes. Then having all the abodes doors and windows being welded shut. Leaving the cat flap as the only point to access or depart the residence. After all, why should Tiddles suffer for their owners stupidity?!
• If caught outside unnecessarily, powers to remove culprits cable TV access leaving them solely with the Creosote Channel. A station which broadcasts none stop footage of individuals treating timber fencing, along with documentaries relating to wood splinter removal practises.
• Enforced reading of my 1800+ blogs…… That’ll teach the chuffers!!
• Confiscate the household toilet roll stock of any dissenter. Then force feed them a bottle of laxatives.
• Give the broachers of lockdown edict lines, as schools did when I attended my alma mater. ‘I mustn’t complain about henceforth being named Grenville or Mrs Parsons’ to be jotted down 100 times a day for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic.
• If these non-essential workers are so desperate not to practise hermitism, invoke legislation to make them essential workers/volunteers. That way they’ll be obtaining the fresh air they so crave, and contributing to this effort to protect the National Health Service. A win/win situation.

Clearly, these suggestions are delivered with tongue very firmly lodged in cheek. My whimsy aimed to add a little lightness during these stark and worrying global events.

After suffering a heart attack and gastric haemorrhage in 2019, I’ve to self isolate and cannot do anything to assist during this time, apart from sharing the silliness which manifests deep within my erratic mind. However, if I can make one person smile, chuckle, giggle or not develop a feeling of nausea, I’ll feel I’ve contributed in a small way to the ‘war’ effort.

Only time would tell whether one, or all, of my suggestions would, if implemented, go someway to reducing public numbers of stay at home dissenters. Being a cynic, though, if they were adopted I reckon by the end of June the UK would have a marked rise in the name Grenville amongst it’s populace……. Along with a few more Mrs Parsons!