Trouble in Lapland?

Door sixteen of the advent calendar sits ajar. Consequently, Santa’s only eight days left to bark out further motivational banter to his reindeer ‘army’, prior to their gruelling twenty four hour shift dragging fat arse and his gift laden chariot around the globe.

In preparation for an arduous night on the 24th December, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner, Cupid and Blixen have undertaken a strict fitness regime at the Lapland Reindeer Fitness Academy; along with subliminally dropping hints to Clausy about losing some of his rotund frame. Sadly for their workload, though, the red-faced, white bearded bringer of festive joy has thus far ignored the Weight Watchers enrolment brochures.

Despite the septet of non-disruptive cloven hoofed Cervidaes, all isn’t well at casa St Nick. Animosity instigated by a diva-like withdrawal of labour by Rudolph. Industrial action initiated after old white beard rejected his demands for higher monetary recompense than his antler laden counterparts.

A confrontational move leading to risks of the red nose reindeer (RRR) becoming Mr & Mrs Claus’ Boxing Day venison lunch. Rudi’s wage demands, backed by a submission his conk’s enhanced navigational visibility make him a more valuable team member than fellow sleigh pullers, falling on Kris Kingle’s deaf lugs.

RRR also incurring Santa’s wrath by stubbornly refusing to adhere to new Lapland health and safety working edicts which state hi-vis jackets must be worn by sleigh navigational teams. Rudolph stubbornly arguing that, unlike the other seven caribous, his glowing red nose negates any requirement for him to enhance his personal visibility.


Finnish industrial arbitration teams have been engaged in an attempt to resolve the impasse between red nose and red face, but as yet haven’t been able to reconcile the differences held both parties. Consequently, Father Christmas may have to go into the big day a reindeer light.

This isn’t the first occasion the cloven hoofed rebel has caused discord within the hallowed walls of St Nick Towers. In 2017, Rudi becoming involved in litigation with a multinational paint company over an image right dispute, following their inclusion of colour ‘Rudolph’s Conk’ within their chromatic indication charts.

Last year, RRR incited further Lapland based pandemonium with demands for employment benefits, such as private health care and threat of withdrawing labour if Santa didn’t stop feeding him with rotting carrots left out by kids on Christmas Eve. The fractious caribou eventually placated by Saint Nicholas’ promise of the Xmas gift of a TV show ‘Nigella Lawson’s Scantily Clad Xmas Souffles’ boxset.

Footnote – Despite my frequent suggestion emails to the BBC’s TV Head of Entertainment, there isn’t a TV show titled ‘Nigella Lawson’s Scantily Clad Xmas Souffles’. My notion deemed as inappropriate and misogynistic. This reticence also afforded to my other programme format epiphany of an entertainment vehicle, ‘Nigella’s Beef Recipes In The Buff’.

It may surprise you that, in addition to my inappropriate suggestion for TV broadcasts featuring Nigella Lawson, this yarn contains further fictional elements

After pondering long and hard about this essays prose, bearing in mind Rudolph’s penchant for taking the litigation route, it’d be remiss of me not to highlight the fact it isn’t true he’s a disruptive, cloven hoofed, s**t stirrer in the mould of a militant 1970’s union leader.

*** – Santa Claus appears in this narrative courtesy of Bert’s Pie Shop, Newton Aycliffe.


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