Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

JD in HD

Yesterday, my East Ardsley abode (well my mum’s to be more accurate) saw the return of Mrs S senior from her week long holiday in Bridlington. Consequently, I’ve now returned to a life incorporating the old lady’s repeatedly asked enquiries, along with the home’s TV ‘graced’ with fueilletons. Soap operas which my sister Helen dubs as “Mum’s rubbish telly”.

Like her daughter our mother Maggie is a bright, caring, funny lady. A women who greets any existential imposter from a baseline of positivity. A perfect example of this was on her return to WF3 when she informed me with usual chirpiness, after being asked how her vacation panned out, “I’ve had a lovely time, thanks love…… The weather was beautiful at the beginning of the week!”

Mater deciding not to give any airtime to the less positive meteorological conditions her party experienced later in the week. Weather I’d venture which would’ve been the initial submissions of those with a more negative disposition.

As a thank you for letting me stop at casa Strachan senior, while she was away I bought the septuagenerian lady a new 43″ Smart TV to replace the antiquated 32″ version she’s had for a number of years.

The old telly now residing in my bedroom along with a DVD player and several boxsets I’ve collected over the years. Consequently, exhibiting the hermit tendencies of some teenagers, in the last few days yours truly has spent an unhealthy amount of time in my room.

On witnessing her new TV for the first time I got the customary parental response if you buy them a gift of “You shouldn’t have!…. You should be saving your money for a rainy day!”

 “Well it was p***ing it down on Thursday when I bought it, so technically I did save it to spend on a rainy day!” yours truly whimsically pointed out.

“You know what I meant, you berk!” mum countered with a roll of her eyes.

“Well then, do you like it?!” I enquired, shamefully fished for gratitude.

“It’s ok yes….. It’s a bit big though!” came Maggie’s semi-grateful retort.

“It’s not that big mum. It’s only a 43 inch screen!”……. Our Jonny’s telly in York is about 53!…… So’s our Ian’s in Gateshead” I was moved to point out.

“Yeah, but their televisions are too big!….. They’re like bleeding cinema screens!” she whimsically replied.

“It’s a nice TV mum. With the full HD screen you’ll be able to see every strand of sellotape holding Jack Duckworth’s glasses when your watching Corrie.” I uttered, attempting to muster some enthusiasm from Maggie for her new gogglebox.

“Jack Duckworth hasn’t been a character in Corrie for ten years!” Mater responded patronisingly.

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“Well he might make a comeback at some point!” I submitted mischievously.

“It’s unlikely…… The actor who played him has been dead since 2012.” mater replied cuttingly, while shaking her head in despair at her son’s out of date soap opera reference.

“Well he could come back from the dead….. You know like Bobby Ewing did in Dallas!” I pointed out with further mischief.

“Bobby Ewing was the character; the actor hadn’t bleeding passed away, you idiot!…… Jack Duckworth can’t come back from the dead because the actor (Bill Tarmey) who portrayed him died seven years ago!!!” came Maggie’s disparaging repost.

“The character could be played by another actor!” I pointed out, not wanting to relinquish the fun I was having from winding up my mum.

“They’ll never re-instate the Jack Duckworth role in Corrie played by another actor….. Bill Tarmey was a legend in the part…… He’s irreplaceable!” Maggie chuntered authoritatively.

“Ok then….. Well my point was really about the picture quality with a fully HD TV, not specifically Jack Duckworth’s gigs repair!” I attempted to clarify. Prior to adding with further mischief “With your new full HD telly you’ll be able to see every strand of hair in Seth Armstrong’s mutton chop sideburns on Emmerdale.”

“Seth Armstrong hasn’t been in Emmerdale for fifteen years!!….. Stan Richards who played him died in 2005!!” Mum barked, growing ever more irritated with her eldest offspring.

“Well he could come back from the dead….. You know like Bobby Ewing did in Dallas!…….. Mum, where you going?!….. Come back!!….. Come back!!…… I’m only teasing!!”

Categories: Blogs, family, fiction, humour

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  1. Hair Yesterday, Gone Today! – Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

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