Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

If Only I Had A…….

I’ve got a followup appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow. A meeting to discuss my post-heart attack progress, results of my last ultrasound and the recipe for butter-free Butter Chicken. Apparently his signature dish which he quirkily titles ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Chicken’.

Cardiologists, the scourge of take-away restaurant owners, cheese manufacturers, pie-makers and a cardiac arrest victim from east Dulwich called Geoff. Much to his chagrin, the West Midlands chap recently informed by his consultant that sitting on his ass binge watching Rosemary Conley videos, while troughing pork scratchings, wasn’t exerting enough for a cardio rehab exercise regime.

Recently, old Mrs Crabtree from number 124 advocated to me that cardiologists are the creators of fabulously tasty heart friendly health recipes. Despite that being a statement I’m unable to verify, I take with a pinch of salt*** her absurd evidential claim that Jamie Oliver performed her recent triple heart by-pass.

*** – Or I would if salt wasn’t bad for the old ticker!

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The Tin Man in Wizard of Oz sang;-

When a man’s an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I’m torn apart
Just because I’m presumin’
That I could be kind of human
If I only had a heart

I’d posit, though, that’s all well and good Tinny (can I call you Tinny) but they’re several trials and tribulations that come with possessing a cardio vascular system. One of which, is that system’s fraught relationship with most of the foods you prefer eating. Another being there’s always someone who’ll break it with rejection of your emotional advances……. The latter happening to me on numerous occasions, and if you don’t believe me I’ve the restraining orders to prove it!!

Seriously, though, I’ve had my heart broken many times. Whether that be from being let down by a girl, Leeds United football club, or when hearing Alf’s Kebab House is shut for staff attendance at a salmonella training day…… Incidentally, that’s learning how to avoid the virus, not introducing it into the meal……. I think!!

Despite my tongue in cheek words about post-heart attack dietary behaviour, I’m fully aware about the need for improved menu and ingredient discipline. Amongst the advice I been provided with was the news I can no longer eat a dessert of lard infused ice cream….. As luck would have it, though, I never ate that anyhow (if it even exists!), so some of the dietary sacrifices aren’t as difficult to maintain.

What will I find out from the consultant tomorrow afternoon? Will the news relayed to yours truly be of a positive nature? And most importantly, will Alf’s Kebab House be open on my way back, or are his workers be updating their salmonella knowledge amongst the hallowed educational halls of a local college?

Whatever I find out tomorrow, the same future dietary path will have to be trodden. Regardless of the medical bulletin, it has to be all about heart health strategies for yours truly. Risk reduction by medication, diet, exercise and stress avoidance key to reduce chances of me checking out too early.

I’ll leave you with the Tin Man’s refrain on the disadvantages of not possessing a cardio vascular system…… Although, I’d venture Tinny having a heart wouldn’t necessarily introduce him to the emotions of love, selflessness and humanity. Many members of the human race don’t seem to display the traits whether wi’ ‘eart or wi’out!

Categories: Blogs, family, health/medical, humour

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