Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Making Things Unnecessarily Difficult

As I commence my second essay of today, I’m sitting in the Costa coffee shop at The Springs Retail Park, close to junction 46 of the M1 motorway.

This precinct opened six months ago in various stages of completion, located a short walking distance from the east Leeds suburban estate I’ve resided within for the last twenty three years.

Unsurprisingly for a contemporary out of town shopping park its domain is graced by numerous multinational stores. These outlets housed in several state of the art buildings, linear of design and, in my opinion, uninspiring of architecture. In some cases the same huge stores incorporating different brands, a ruse no doubt to reduce corporate costs in an era of relentless budget efficiency programmes.

With penning this prose spontaneously, I’m not in possession of my laptop. Consequently my metaphorical pen and paper is an app on my mobile phone device. Having a small keyboard at my disposal severely diminishing the speed I’m able to populate the page with my musings. Tapping each letter with my left thumb a laborious task, something I hope you’ll take that into account on critiquing my prose.

I’m trying to think of a suitable simile to give you an idea of the difficulty of writing a 600 word blog on a mobile phone, but the only thing that keeps popping into my conscious mind is “It’s like trying to trim your bikini line with a toothbrush!”….. A comparison that quite clearly doesn’t bear any parallels.

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Akin to utilising a scythe for the job, I’ve never tried to trim my bikini line with a toothbrush, however it’s pretty clear they’re not fit for purpose for the task. The initial comparison can be lambasted as at least writing a blog on a phone is possible; it’s just fiddlier and more time-consuming. Consequently, in the absence of an accurate simile, just know the job in hand is a real pain in the ass using a smart phone.

Actually, with regards the scythe comparison in the previous paragraph, saying it wouldn’t be fit for purpose for trimming your bikini line is not strictly true. I’m sure you could remove pubic hair with the curved gardening tool. What I should’ve written was that it very probably wouldn’t be fit for purpose for a man keen on avoiding collateral damage!

Late Dutch artist Vincent Van Gogh chopped his ear off when he went a bit barking. Even in madness, he knew his ear was a preferable body part to remove as opposed to his meat and two veg……. That being said, being bereft of lug did rob him of one place where he stored his brushes.

As I look out on The Springs shops from the lofty perch of this first floor cafe, I pruriently people watch. The targets of my gaze a steady trickle of consumers transferring for store to store, seeking a bargain amongst a plethora of wares offered by their corporate masters.

Most of the stores appear to be being patronised steadily, including Frank’s Scythe Emporium and Arnie’s Toothbrush Utopia. Hmmmmm, I’ve potentially misread the market for both products amongst the body hair grooming masses…… Although, I suspect I haven’t!

My drink of choice, a cold brew coffee, has almost gone now so it’s time to bring this narrative to a close…. Before I trek home, I’m gonna nip across the precinct’s massive car park to see what all the fuss is about in Frank’s Scythe Emporium and Arnie’s Toothbrush Utopia…… I won’t be buy anything though!

 

Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour, parody

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