Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Rainbow Climbing High

My wife Karen announced earlier it’s rainbow trout for dinner tonight. I’m assuming she’s referring to the fact we’ll be consuming the fish species with colour reflecting scales. Aquatic craniate animal equally at home in salt or fresh water. Not that she’s following a trout recipe from a cookbook written by Zippy, Bungle and George!

Personally, I’ve nothing against the puppet hippo, bloke in a bear suit and the zip fastener mouthed erm….. what Zippy is, however they are know throughout the culinary world as notoriously poor chefs. The trinity of furry friends particularly alienating potential followers of their recipes by utilising neutral shoe polish as a signature ingredient in their dishes.

rainbow

Thankfully, Karen isn’t a bad cook. A conclusion I’ve reached not from feedback offered by my undiscerning taste buds, moreover from the fact in thirty years of marriage I’ve never yet contracted E.coli from her culinary efforts. As they say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”….. I know that’s out of context, but bereft of a more suitable adage I’m leaving it in….. I’m nothing if not lazy!

My missus is currently attempting to teach her recently widowed dad how to prepare/cook meals for himself. Very much an old school misogynist he’d never made a meal (or indeed a cuppa) until Karen’s mum passed in late November. An existential mantra pursued under the misguided belief it wasn’t/isn’t a mans job.

A complete lack of inquisitiveness has led to my indifference about how these cookery lessons are proceeding. Consequently, I’ve no idea if her old man has perfected a signature dish. As he hasn’t even managed to perfect a signature yet, though, (he still uses an ‘X’) I somehow doubt it.

I apologise for the classless outburst in the paragraph above; in reality he’s a deeply loving, selfless man. A chap whose one visit to see his incurably ill daughter since her 2010 cancer diagnosis has held the family together. We are truly blessed to have him in our lives.

Right Strachan, drop the bitterness, refocus and try infuse this narrative with a modicum of professionalism and decorum.

Like Karen, I’m a reasonable cook….. Well I’m better at it than Zippy, Bungle and George anyhow!!….. I don’t have a large culinary repertoire, however, what I do cook is normally edible and free of neutral shoe polish!

My brother Ian, sister Helen and my son Jonny are all good cooks, who unlike me are prepared to leave their recipe comfort zones. Consequently their food is infused with all sorts of experimental and flavoursome ingredients. Proper flavour enhancers such as herbs, spices and sauces made from scratch; none of the footwear cleaning wax additives favoured in recipes by 1970’s TV puppets.

Anyhow, I’m going to have to conclude this narrative as I believe dinner is nearly ready. At least I think that’s what my wife was alluding to a few minutes ago when she cryptically shouted upstairs “Your dinner’s nearly ready, Gary!”…… Mind you, I’m not sure why she shouted it upstairs as I’m sat at the bloody dining table!

Categories: Blogs, family, fiction

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