Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Preparation

This morning I picked up some non-perishable comestibles, along with a smattering of non-food products, in preparation for the Christmas holiday period.

Incidentally, I didn’t just pick them up and proceed to walk/run out of Sainsburys with a security guard in hot pursuit – I also paid for the items. Not only is yours truly disinclined to pilfer, I’m also put off shoplifting by the fact I’m now too old to outrun a security guard. 

To get me bursting into a sprint these days would take an extraordinary set of circumstances. An event such as Pets at Home holding a ‘buy one get one free’ chinchilla sale, or DW Sports allowing the purchase of snooker cue chalk by bartering inane fictional blogs.

Anyhow, I digress……. After my earlier shop, casa Strachan’s cupboards now contain a tub of Celebration chocolates, enough crisps to feed an army, cans of Coca Cola/lemonade, quantities of dry roasted peanuts suffice for the army’s 2nd course***, and a box of Christmas crackers.

*** – Actually this blinking army is gonna cost me a fortune in Xmas snacks.

Additionally, my fridge is now stocked with beer and wine ready for the festive period. Whether it will still be there come Christmas Eve only time can will tell. What I can relay, though, is in the light of a betting spree on me drinking it by then, local bookies have stopped taking wagers on the topic….. I’ll prove those doubters wrong!……. Anyway, moving swiftly on.

Obviously, with just under three weeks to go until Christmas Day it’s too premature to purchase my Xmas perishable items. I’d proffer the veg, some dairy products and meat would be on the turn by the big day if bought today. 

Consequently, a few days before the 25th December I’ll have a wander up to my local store to acquire the dairy and meat produce. Followed by the same sojourn early Christmas Eve morning to buy the veg.

As I’m only buying a turkey crown for this year’s Christmas dinner, I won’t have the luxury of riding home from Sainsburys on a still living turkey’s back – Akin to 2017. On that occasion, the massive bird ordered by my missus would’ve fed the army who this year will be have to gain sustenance from casa Strachan’s festive crisps and peanut selection.

Last year, misguidedly thinking it wouldn’t be an over difficult task, my wife Karen and me stupidly opting to slaughter our own bird. My wife’s plan one of over-indulging the living turkey with food and affection – An unsuccessful strategy that, if nothing else, goes towards proving you can’t ‘kill somebody with kindness’.

In the end we didn’t have the heart to slaughter the huge Meleagris, who we’d affectionately named Harry. Consequently, Karen and I dined on a Christmas dinner of Paxo stuffing, cranberry sauce and vegetables. Initially we also possessed ‘pigs in blankets’ (sausages wrapped in bacon), but Harry surreptitiously ate those while we dished out the rest of the dinner. 

Anyhow, hopefully cooking an already deceased turkey crown won’t mess with our emotions this year……….. Oh my god, I’ve just heard on local radio that at midday the Pets at Home store is holding a ‘buy one get one free’ chinchilla sale…… I must dash!

Categories: Blogs, family, fiction, humour

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