Dear BBC….

I’m feeling inordinately disorientated this morning. Allied to continually losing my thread, I’m asking ill thought out questions of the people I engage with on this chilly West Yorkshire day. For example I’ve just asked someone if the Leeds 10k race tomorrow is in Leeds!…… durrrr!

Constantly losing my thread is a real pain in the neck, as I’m currently in the process of sewing a letter of complaint to the BBC about the lack of sewing programs on TV.

My wife Karen has just queried why, instead of taking the unorthodox seamstress approach, don’t I just write the letter. She backed up this comment with a convincing argument that it’ll mean less needle stabs for yours truly, along with losing the distraction of constantly hunting the thread.

I refute her well meaning suggestion, though, arguing that a sewn letter will have a greater impact than one handwritten, or typed on a computer. Her response of “You can flipping say that again!” seemed to concur with my thinking.

Let me just clarify that I’ve never sewn in my life or, indeed, have any real interest in needlework. My journey into this unconventional medium is the result of reading Howard Chalmforth’s book ‘The Effectiveness of Sewing Letters of Complaint’.

People accuse me of having too much time on my hands, that I’m eccentric and in need another hobby. However, I caught one of my peers crocheting hate mail the other day, so I think more individuals are warming to this method of remonstration than are letting on.

Admittedly, the fact I’ve not sewn before is a hindrance. With this in mind I’m keeping my message short; the following being my words aimed at influencing a change to broadcasting schedules:- “Dear BBC, you need more sewing programmes you marginalising berks. Love Uncle Hank”

I’m using the alias Uncle Hank to maintain my anonymity, avoiding potential retribution from the licence funded TV and radio broadcaster. Additionally, I’m hoping that the disrespectful use of the noun ‘berks’ doesn’t send them over the edge and they stop making ‘Top Gear’ out of spite….. It needs to be a harsh message, though.

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So far my inexperience with a needle and thread has meant I’m only halfway through sewing the D in Dear. It’s going to be a time consuming task, however when ‘Great British Sew Off’, presented by Richard Madeley & Judy Finnegan, hits the screens in autumn 2017 it’ll all be worth it.

I know one of the commercial channels will outbid Auntie Beeb and ‘steal’ the show when it becomes popular. However, It’ll be good to bask in the glory of my creativity helping to launch a TV programme that will go down in the annals of broadcasting history.

People might wonder if I’ve no interest in sewing why am I advocating that the Beeb undertake a project promoting the pastime. They’d may also proffer “Would you watch a show where you have absolutely no interest in the subject?”

The simple answer is “Would I chuff!…. It sounds a right load of bollocks!”

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