The last two days have been predominantly played out with yours truly indulging in the insipid chore of treating garden timber. Not the most fascinating of existential plots, however not bearing the influencing skills of Tom Sawyer who succeeded in gaslighting friends into undertaking his fence whitewashing, I begrudgingly bit that particular woodwork decorating bullet.
I’ve got to admit, I tip my hat to Mark Twain’s eponymous rogue from The Adventures of Tom Sawyer novel for dodging the very bullet I’ve recently bitten. After all, it goes without saying that staining timber ramparts is a slow and laborious task, imparting as much esprit into one’s day as watching a sloth race a snail over 100 metres.
Alas, my attempts at getting passersby to Ronseal the garden timber met with unequivocal indifference. The most enthusiastic response received during endeavours to reduce my brushwork burden came courtesy of a befuddled car driver parked at a close-by kerb.
This fella replying to my coaxing of “Do you fancy painting my fence panels, mate?” with a distractedly flustered query of “Excuse me, do you know the way to Hull?’ Clear he’d no interest in joining my creosoting gang, I afforded him the unhelpful response of “Yes.” before wandering off towards the park, in search of potential timber stainers.
Anyhow, enough of this nonsense. Welcome to a second section of the blog which bears equal absurdity. Specifically, the ‘True or False’ questions written for last night’s quiz night with buddies, an event postponed late due to too many participants being otherwise engaged.
It’s the usual story with this intentionally ridiculous bi-weekly quiz round; as in none of this inquisitorial hooey in remotely true.
True or False
- True or False – As a child, Brummie rocker Ozzy Osbourne represented the West Midland’s ‘Pin The Tail On The Donkey’ team during the 1962 All England Championships? – True
- True or False – The fact aforementioned hell raiser Ozzy Osbourne has survived into his 70’s despite decades of reckless alcohol and drug abuse is deemed by the the British Medical Council as “Pure science fiction.”? – True
- True or False – In 1976, Cliff Richard had a dachshund dog called Gary Glitter? – False. It was called Stuart Hall.
- True or False – Every 10 minutes an unmarried woman over 30 acquires a new cat? – True
- True or False – US mass murderer Ted Bundy claims he was misunderstood and wanted nothing more in life than to star in the movie ‘The Odd Couple’ as Walter Matthau’s stooge? – False. He hated Matthau, he wanted to star alongside Jack Lemmon.
- True or False – TV presenter and book critic Richard Madeley wears a cricket box in bed to mitigate against missus (Judy Finnegan) gets fruity after binge watching a boxset of ITV crime show Vera? – True
- True or False – Sometimes in life all you want is to cry yourself to sleep listening to tear-jerking hit ‘Old Shep’ on Spotify? – False. Old Shep is overly saccharin, I prefer Terry Jack’s ‘Season in the Sun’ for my melancholy fix.
- True or False – Caddish actor Terry Thomas’ iconic gapped front teeth were a scaled model of the L’Arc De Triomph? – False. It was Marble Arch that inspired Tezza’s gnashers.
- True or False – Syd Little, bumbling straight man to Eddie Large, only needed to wear glasses to see with? – True
- True or False – Despite cynical utterances to the contrary, curmudgeonly misery guts Victor Meldrew was incredibly gullible and did believe most things? – True
- True or False – A spokesman for the Office of National Statistics admits several of their informational statements are as boring as football commentator John Motson’s overly excitably uninteresting outpourings. True
- True or False – Although fond of gaslighting to the contrary, Hannibal Lecter actually despised fava beans and chianti. True. the notorious cannibal’s preferred side and tipple was sweetcorn and merlot.