This morning, on unceremoniously dragged myself from my pit, yours truly resolved to uphold yesterday’s promise in the blog A Splinter of Ice. Notions where I spoke of upping my journalist game; this decision taken in order to grow as a writer – Subsequently creating more upmarket, intelligent prose. My aspiration to veer from my sillier self-indulgent style which I’ve concluded currently resides in a comfort zone.

Standing in the shower cubicle, where some of my best epiphanies manifest (such as avoid standing on the soap), as shower gel, shampoo and conditioner took turns to sting my eyes, I beckoned forth creative notions with which to furnish this essay.

Locutions that’d bear literary comparison to some of East Leeds’ finest authors, such as Tilly Trout, her husband Terry Trout and the even more enigmatically title Marjorie Netflix. With the advent of the TV streaming service laying in 1997, which rules out any genealogical longevity and name succession, I’m assuming the latter author plies her trade under a pseudonym.

Ms Netflix hitting the radar screens of the West Yorkshire chattering classes in 2017 with the publishing of her no holds barred first tome ‘Telly Needn’t Be S***e’. To utilise a vulgar contemporary parlance, a volume in which the Crossgates contrarian tears the prevailing reality TV culture a new one.

The Leeds spinster’s poetic reference of Simon Cowell being a ‘parasitic bellend’, in particular, gaining her credence amongst commentators of social culture…… Not to mention raising the profile of what’s been for too long the nations ‘taken for granted’ bells.

Mr and Mrs Trout are chroniclers of calmer stock. Their co-authored book ‘Ambling Around Adel’, telling of sights and sounds witnessed while wandering the leafy north Leeds suburb of Adel. The affluent area’s views, which provide splendid landscapes for the discerning ambler, beautifully brought to life by the betrothed’s exquisite use of prose.

This meander around scenic streets so thoroughly drafted it even contains Mr and Mrs T’s police statement after witnessing the theft of farmer Tony Camshaft’s Lamborghini.

Nominated for 2019’s Alliterated Book Title of the Year, ‘Ambling Around Adel’ is a slow paced, yet feel good read. Within its fairly pedestrian prose the reader is given a new insight into wonders of tractors, cricket pitch rollers and evading injury from stolen Lamborghini’s driven at you with speed.

The Trout’s are reputedly in the process of penning a follow up book with a work in progress title of ‘Loitering on Lawnswood’s Lanes’. A similarly lazy stroll and drive among the lanes of Adel’s neighbouring suburb. Only time will tell whether the tomes leafs include Terry Trout’s police statement after his ‘slow’ drive resulted in him receiving a caution for kerb-crawling.

Anyhow, I digress, back to this morning’s shower…….

As it’s probably dawned on you by now, no serious topical notions were forthcoming while I stood showering. Well, other than I wish waterproof plasters were actually waterproof, and concluding the name Berndt Toast would be a great character moniker should GJ Strachan ever feel moved to pen a tale about a clumsy German baker.

The above shower cubicle epiphanies, along with the latterly thought out ideas of East Leeds’ finest authors, Tilly & Terry Trout, along with polemicist Marjorie Netflix, clearly indicating my transition from the absurd to serious literary content isn’t going to be easy…… I may have to organise my own intervention.

Oh, incidentally, does anyone know where I can get waterproof plasters which are fit for purpose?

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