Project Chaste Snow

Yours truly’s agenda today contains a number of small chores I’ve procrastinated over for weeks. That being said, the assignments are by no means arduous, affording me a welcome distraction during any ‘white space’ moments.

For those not familiar with the expression ‘white space’, it’s a term used within business to indicate the colour of an individuals online diary when bereft of appointments.

The saying formulating in the white collar sector after management concluded advising your secretary to “Arrange that meeting for when I’ve f*** all in my diary!” was inappropriate.

They say the truth comes from the mouths of babes and drunken men. During the many white collar meetings I’ve attended over the years, it’s buzzwords, soundbites, mission statements and platitudes oft emanate from the mouths of assembled attendees.

Synergy, kaizen, blue sky thinking, alignment, leverage and ‘line in the sand’ just some of the expressions/words which’ve appeared in the office environment within the past couple of decades.

I’m not totally sure which arm of a marketing team undertakes the task of creating these harmless, sometimes baffling, locutions. However, I do know I’d love a creative role along those lines.

Spending my days, making up new jargon for both verbal and written escalation to an unsuspecting business, would be manor from heaven for GJ Strachan.

Off the top of my head (and/or maybe via the conduit of posterior), I’d endeavour to make these expressions reflect contemporary times. Terms such as:-

“We need to Hamilton (after F1 driver Lewis Hamilton) this network infrastructure!” – An exclamation to indicate the latency affecting the network needs resolving asap.

“Thankfully, most of that section are Faucis.” – Complimentary expression relaying high levels of confidence in certain colleagues; despite reservations about the capabilities of others in the project.

“That project is currently chaste snow, boss.” – A new buzzword to update the gaffer you’ve done absolutely none of the work he delegated you two weeks ago.

“Tha neds a cloowat.” – An expression specifically aimed at an employee from Barnsley manor. A response to them meking a reet balls of their wurk…. Or producing chaste snow work output.

Anyhow, I began this literary piece aiming to discuss Tuesday’s chores, not to turn it into some half-assed plea for the role of a copywriter…… Back to tales of my task list.

Incorporated in these self-assigned duties are admin work surrounding TV licence renewal and pension information, a much needed purge of wardrobe/clothing drawers, arranging a boiler service and phone contract investigation for my daughter and estranged wife.

As I say, not one of these tasks are difficult, with the possible exception of attempting to get Virgin Media to remove the sports package at my marital home…… As it stands, attempting to get hold of Virgin customer rep is proving as difficult as finding a virgin on tabloid TV’s Love Island.

Anyhow, it’s time I brought this ramble to a conclusion. Consequently, allowing me to proceed with today’s itinerary and respond to the numerous calls I’ll no doubt receive offering me employment as a copywriter.

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