Well, will today bring the advent of anything to upturn the apple cart of our COVID induced status quo? This morning I rose from my bed longing for any joyous news that’d illuminate spirits upon a landscape currently bearing a noir hue.
“Can you add some meat onto the specificity bones of upbeat bulletin you’re longing for, Gary?” I hear you cry.
Well, perhaps a governmental bulletin bearing ambrosian felicitations like the removal of VAT on marmite; or even the welcome news Boris Johnson has finally got to grips with the concept of hair brushing.
I reckon even the most romantic of poets would push artistic licence to its limits by envisaging a scene where doves transport us our ambrosia; as was the case with that delivered to the Greek gods in Olympus.
Legend proffering further that this food and drink for the gods, affording its consumer existential longevity or immortality, was served on a celestial platter by either Hebe or Ganymede. This scene of clover all playing out among a heavenly feast for the divine.
Yes, the conduits of our marmite serendipity will bear none of that romance, even by metaphor. Any upbeat bulletins the UK populace receive delivered by a more conventional route of unconvincing, muddled politicians. Updates superseded by the collective zoom session f*ckwittery oft exhibited by the ‘cream’ of British journalists.
The latter, on occasion, indulging in the most inane inquisitions of our leaders. This habitual poor questioning, combined with a lack of insight, resulting in the certainty of numerous absurd enquiries should the prime minister announce a plan to remove VAT on marmite to raise the UK’s (well my) spirits
Circumstances I’d like think’d see the daily governmental briefing, in the wake of Mr Johnson’s marmite bombshell, conclude with the following press corp enquires:-
“Is it all sized jars of marmite you’re making VAT free, Mr Johnson?” – Abigail, editor from the ‘Chertsey Bugle’.
“Will all Vegemite products benefit from this tax boon, prime minister?…… Or just marmite?” – Archie, features writer ‘The Cleckheaton Courier’.
“Will the people have to lower and replace their masks after each mouthful?….. Or can we remove our anti-COVID masks for the duration of our food consumption?” – Louise, garlic buyer ‘Vampire Weekly’.
“Is this not just another shameful example of how you’re in the pocket of the marmite industry, Mr Johnson?” – Jake, tea boy for ‘Marmite Is S***e Magazine’.
“Don’t listen to a word Jake says, prime minister!….. Your new edict will raise many a tortured soul in these times of uncertainty.” – Greta, writer ‘Marmite Isn’t As S***e As Jake Makes Out Magazine’.
“Do you not think this smacks of the politics of favouritism and corruption, Mr Johnson?” – Eddie, features editor ‘Corrupt B*****ds Monthly’.
“Are there any future plans to afford Bovril similar tax breaks as those provided to marmite, prime minister?” – Trudy, gossip columnist ‘Bovril During Covid Weekly’.
“Is there really a magazine titled ‘Bovril During Covid Weekly, Trudy?” – Michael, editor The Daily Sceptic.
“Of course there isn’t, Michael!….. All this b*ll*cks is merely a figment of Gary Strachan’s muddled mind!….. I’m shocked you had to ask!!” – Trudy, former gossip columnist ‘Bovril During Covid Weekly’, now editor of ‘Spoiler Alert Magazine’.