This evening, I’ll be partaking in a virtual quiz with a group of Gateshead buddies. As I write I’ve no idea of the question format quizmaster Jeff Patterson will adopt. However, I’m hoping there’s a food and drink category, which among its enquiries includes the insightful catechism “What did Gary Strachan have the morning for breakfast?”

If this, admittedly unlikely, inquisition does materialise amongst Jeff’s general knowledge examination, I can comfort myself knowing I’m guaranteed of securing at least one point……. Actually, yours truly’s forgotten what I’d consumed for today’s breakfast!….. Looks like I’ve some swatting to do!

Seriously, though, as my general knowledge is passable enough to ordinarily perform decently in quizzes, I’m hoping to fair ok during the Gateshead lad’s inquisition. If it materialises I prevail at this competition by enquiry, tomorrow I’ll give full details of my genius in wordy narrative. If I don’t reign victorious, though, you’ll never hear another word about the whole sorry affair!

Hanging onto Jeff’s quiz facilitating coattails, I’m in the process of writing an offbeat, inane, whimsical test of my peers. This project borrowing strongly from the absurd format utilised by comedians Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer in their whacky TV show Shooting Stars.

Amongst the Teessiders quiz rounds, an intentionally ludicrous ‘True or False’ round. Along with a section of the broadcast driven by queries taken from subjects emblazoned on the side of a dove, titled ‘The Dove from Above’ (even though I think it’s a pigeon not a dove). The latter a mangy looking cardboard avian summoned by the collective coos of the shows contestants.

As alluded to earlier, I intend to borrow from Vic & Bob’s quiz format to run a quiz of similar lunacy. Below some of my own ‘True or False’ questions. Enquiries which are all clearly false, but following the quiz presenters lead, to add a jocular spin some answers will have history rewritten.

I’m not going to reveal the questions I’ll select to shamefully twist the truth, with it defiling the quiz legacy bestowed upon the UK by the Eggheads, but here goes………. True or False?:-

“TV chef Ainsley Harriet’s first girlfriend was called Harriet Ainsley?”

“Sean Connery left his role as James Bond after Cubby Broccoli stole his spangles?”

“Former boxing commentator Reg Gutteridge’s spectacles allowed him to see into the future?”

“Former boxing commentator Reg Gutteridge has won the national lottery jackpot a record of 76 times on the trot?”

“Elvis Presley is still alive and works as an mis-sold PPI salesperson in a Cleckheaton call centre?”

“My current mis-sold PPI claim is being facilitated by Elvis Presley?”

“If being chased by a bear it can be calmed by whistling it the Bulgarian national anthem?”

“If you don’t know the Bulgarian national anthem, or can’t whistle, it’s best to give bears a wide berth?”

“You can buy Santa Claus on Amazon; However the postage makes the purchase prohibitive?”

“Igloos are notoriously difficult abodes on which to attach hanging baskets?”

“Late rugby league commentator Eddie Waring could also speak English?”

“You can remove nettles from your garden borders by issuing them with eviction orders?”

Incidentally, instead of a ‘Dove from Above’ round, my contestants will face a ‘Glove from Above’ section of inane enquiries……. Let me know if your interested in participating such absurdity!