Tidying out drawers this afternoon I came across a couple of long forgotten male grooming products. Originally part of a cosmetic gift box received for Christmas 2018, the two small tubes remnants of a set whose face wash and moisturiser containers I’d utilised during 2019.

Unearthing these products, which I believe were festive trinkets from my son, intrigued me, as I’d no idea which cosmetic creams actually resided in the tiny 5ml tubes. A conundrum introduced as a result of the container’s font being so minuscule I’m unable to make out it’s wording. That is, apart from the brand name which is emblazoned in larger letters, the product usage written on the packaging was illegible even with my gigs on.

This uncertainty of creams purpose currently messing with my mind; in particular whether I should utilise the lotions. I’d imagine both potions are for visage dermatological purposes; my son’s gift purchased with. aspirations of easing his old man’s face through an unforgiving part of the ageing process. Perhaps opining his father bearing a face like a clumsy beekeeper a step he wanted to allay for as long as possible.

That being said, in the absence of definitive proof the lotion isn’t something akin to haemorrhoid cream, I’m reticent to risk daubing either tube’s contents onto my ever wrinkling ‘boat race’. I realise it’s unlikely that cosmetic giant Clinique manufacture piles medication. However, there’s no way I’m going to risk it until I can finally decipher the real contents of these 5ml containers.

I’ve no idea what damage would be resultant, if any, from rubbing haemorrhoid cream into one’s visage. However, if it shrinks large lumps, as it does on the posterior, I could lose my nose.

If only I’d have saved the gift set packaging in which I received my boy’s gift. That would’ve informed in legible font size what Clinique cosmetics my offspring had bequeathed. However, that box was despatched into my recycle bin a matter of minutes after I’d opened the cardboard flap.

I suppose I’ve the option of buying a magnifying glass to enhance the wordings size. However, my neuroses dictates there’s too much of a stigma from a man buying a looking glass, preventing the pursuit of this solution.

Legend has it that hawks have fantastic eyesight – The diumal birds of prey’s retinal wherewithal five times that of a human. That being said, though, I’d venture not only would I be unable to catch a hawk, but even if I did the chances it being able to read and convey me the wording on the cosmetic’s tubes is pretty remote…… When I say pretty remote I of course mean impossible!!

As I grow towards this aimless essays conclusion, my mum has just walked into the dining room, where I’m penning this prose, enquiring “Are those two little tubes in the bathroom containing anti-ageing and exfoliator creams yours, Gary?”

It’s cheered me up no end to know that a 79 year old’s eyesight appears to be more performant than mine!!….. As the commercial states, I should’ve gone to Specsavers!!