Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

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I’ve been sitting here in a south Leeds coffee house for around an hour and only just managed to commence today’s narrative. Admittedly this is a self-inflicted delay driven by having temporary access to free shopping centre wifi network connectivity which is far more performant than back in my East Ardsley abode.

The faster response times giving me the opportunity to undertake more data intensive tasks as a priority. The same jobs experiencing extreme latency on the woeful broadband speeds at home.

These two tasks, a large system software update on my laptop and completing the creation of my 36th tome, both of which I’ve been unable to complete at chez Strachan due to prohibitive network responses.

In my former abode in east Leeds I had Virgin Media cable providing broadband, TV and phone coverage. The package providing impressively performant network speeds. At my current residence in WF3, though, the same media are delivered by a different company through broadband router. To say I’m unimpressed with the response times via the latter company’s conduit equipment is a massive understatement.

In fact streaming speeds are slow it took hours to download a two hour movie to the TV box hard-drive the other day. At times the broadband router network provision is so latent I switch to using 4G on my mobile phone device; an action which sees me acquire far better internet performance.

I’ve attempted a number of remedial actions in an attempt to improve my domestic internet surfing experience such as tutting loudly, thumping my fist frustratingly on my writing desk and admonishing the broadband router with shouts of “Work faster you useless piece of s**t!!” Alas, though, these tried and untested solutions proved worthless.

I rang my internet service provider who recommended I tried either tutting loudly, thumping my fist frustratingly on my writing desk and admonishing the broadband router with shouts of “Work faster you useless piece of s**t!!” On informing the customer services representative (CSR) I’d already attempted that, he responded “Errrr, in that case the next option would be to upgrade your router and put you on our quicker fibre network. It’s only £6 a month more.”

Reluctantly, I concurred a broadband upgrade was going to be the only solution to provide me with the internet response times I sought. The CSR advised me the new piece of hardware will arrive within seven working days. This’ll make a welcome change from a website page taking seven days to arrive, as is the case with response times on my current router.

Having upgraded my mum’s TV to a smart fully-HD device, I deemed paying the extra few quid a month necessary for her/me to take advantage of the new televisual features available. After all, I’d venture the viewers experience of watching a Netflix boxset would diminish with latent streaming and pixelated pictures.

So, all being well, this time next week I won’t have to go to travel to the White Rose Shopping Centre to utilise their free guest wifi to undertake more data intensive online tasks.

Until then data response times will be as Francis Albert once sang to an amour:-

“The problem now of course is
To simply hold your horses
To rush would be a crime
‘Cause nice and easy does it every time”

Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour, parody

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

2 replies

  1. I enjoyed your Blog, Gary! Yes, sometimes our internet connection could really be accurately described as an ” Idiot savant!” I did enjoy the tune sang by Frank Sinatra, perhaps the premier crooner of his time! My all time favorite of his is the song ” My Way”. Good to hear from you, Mate, ans I hope allis well with you! Your friend Phil Strahin.

    Like

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