Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Never Too Latte

Well, yesterday September picked up the monthly baton from departing predecessor August. Subsequently, we sit with two-thirds of year 2019’s race run and on the cusp of the autumnal season. This ninth month seeing the start of deciduous leaf fall and evening TV schedules improving, with a re-appearance of decent dramas where for the previous three months televisual detritus has reigned supreme.

As I write, I’m perched on the mezzanine of White Rose Shopping Centre (WRSC) where its array of food and drink outlets reside. Seeking inspiration, I make sporadic slurping noises while consuming an iced Americano coffee while cafe in situ.

The straw I use a non-plastic offering which takes on a life of its own after a few minutes in contact with the ice. Consequently, bending in such a way it feels like I’ve suddenly taken on Uri Geller’s ability to contort the normally unbendable.

This is the second blog I’ve penned today, my earlier effort John Wilson’s Haircut published around midday. A partly fictional account about a conversation I undertook yesterday evening with a member of my family whilst watching a TV performance by an orchestra led by a guy educated at the same senior alma maters as me.

My inaugural blog of this month written fairly swiftly, I’ve decided once again put pen to paper, or to be more accurate text to WordPress edit template. I’ve driven down to the WRSC with aspirations of gaining a topic epiphany via the medium of people watching. A  strategy yet to bear fruit, but one experience tells me will eventually prove effectual.

My eyes are drawn to a beautiful woman of latin complexion sitting a couple of tables away. Looking around mid-20’s in age (three decades my junior), my leering not from a perspective of inappropriate thoughts on my part, moreover appreciation of her striking beauty. Her visual allure not even diminished by the fact there appears to be latte froth on the end her nose.

On the next table to the aforementioned beauty is a woman in her dotage who’s drinking latte. The old lady looks agitated and appears to be remonstrating with the twenty-something girl, hopefully the froth on the young lasses nose isn’t from her drinking from the elderly woman’s glass!!….. But looking at the animated gestures of the pensioner, it’s not unfeasible!

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Close-by, a group of four women aged between late teens and early 40’s sip on ice fruit beverages. Witnessing their multiple facial piercings reminds me I need to buy staples from WH Smiths before I go home..

Opposite me is a female pensioner ‘rabbiting’ at her partner without an evident need for her to draw breath. The elderly male whose the target of this verbal whirlwind looks suitably unresponsive to her wittering. Instead appearing to be more interested by the aesthetically pleasing views bestowed by the fragrant lady of latin complexion.

The fella in his dotage’s gawping at this girl only broken when his wife admonishes him with the words “Stop gawping at that you lass, Arthur?!!…… After all, she’s got nothing that I haven’t!”

A submission resulting in the old man cuttingly advising his ageing spouse “Well yes, apart from her own teeth and a likelihood she’ll still be alive when the 2022 Olympics start!!

“Well at least I’ve not got latte froth on my nose!!” the elderly lady was moved to retort at her partner with the roving eye.

Two tables to my left there’s a doting mother sitting reading a book to her child. I always find it heartwarming to witness scenes of unconditional maternal love being bestowed upon a young offspring. In particular, sights of a parent attempting to educate and stimulate their children’s minds generally results in me smiling inwardly.

Watching this woman reading to her 4-5 year old boy is no different. The time she’s presently spending relaying the contents of this book will no doubt be of great benefit to the young lad as he progresses on his existential journey……. After all, these days it’s important that every child knows their Argos catalogue product codes.

Right, I’m going to bring this narrative to a conclusion so I can go tell the twenty-something lass with the latin complexion she’s got latte froth on her conk……. Cue an upcoming restraining order!

Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour, parody

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  1. It’s Only Words – Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

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