Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

An Essay, I Say

Lethargy is today’s watchword for GJ Strachan. Feeling like he’s undergone an energy suction procedure, the vitality felt in recent days following a break with long term buddies currently evades him. The northern Englishman feeling as spent as his wife’s wardrobe budget, but pragmatic enough to know it’s a fleeting fatigue which’ll no doubt abate post-slumber.

As an aside, if the Dulux paint chart is to believed, today the sky has displayed a ‘striking cyan’ colour. Crown paints, though, begging to differ with their stock list indicating the celestial dome above us is more ‘splashing around’ blue.

I’ll let the two UK paint giants argue whose chromatic descriptive is most accurate. One thing for sure, though, is the vision set a striking scene. A colour akin to that lauded by late US crooner Perry Como, who crooned the bluest skies he’d even seen hung above Seattle’s populous. According to Pierino, the city on the Pacific Northwest of the United States being blessed with a supreme azure sky.

july

Yesterday was the first day of a new month. Quite unbelievably we’re now in the second half and third quarter of 2019. According to my unofficial Gordon Ramsay calendar, hanging lopsidedly behind my kitchen door, today is the bl**dy 2nd of b*****d July.

This controversial almanac a Christmas gift; the calendar contains 12 pages (one for each month, surprisingly enough) incorporating an idiosyncratic amalgam of Mr Ramsay’s alleged favourite recipes and ‘go to’ cursing expressions.

As I strongly suspect an acquaintance created it for me on his laptop, I don’t believe this date planner is on retail sale. Another give away it isn’t genuine Ramsay merchandise the erratically spelt culinary recipes and the fact my mate always incorrectly spells the word b*ll*cks with three l’s.

Amongst the uninspiring meal suggestions were banana soup and peanut pizza. The banana soup cooking instructions involved thirty minutes of blanching a peeled banana in boiled water infused with a vegetable stock cube.

Like rapper Jay-Z, I’ve got around 99 problems in my life, however the recipe for banana soup isn’t one…… Although I think Beyonce’s old man’s certainty was a bitch not an eccentrically flavour infused amuse-bouche.

The peanut pizza instructions were the slapdash covering of a pre-made pizza margarita with dry roasted peanuts. Obviously don’t attempt this recipe if you have a peanut allergy, or indeed want to avoid consuming a salt-ridden pizza pie that’ll riddle you with gut wrenching flatulence.

Anyhow, we’re into the second half of 2019. From a personal perspective the previous six months have seen more lows than highs. The deflating times including two life threatening illnesses, both hospitalising me, consequently hindering pizza consumption of any topping. Although, I believe the banana soup is ok in moderation.

I can only hope that the second half of 2019 affords me more serendipity that its first half dozen months. Having existential misfortune is something we all have to contend with, however I’m hoping fate, karma or a celestial overseer can see their way to seeing my sojourns to each end of the fortune spectrum or more equitable than of late.

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Categories: Blogs, fiction, health/medical, parody

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