Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Shine On Keith Moon

I’d my twice yearly dental check-up yesterday afternoon. After a disastrous start to the year health wise, an appointment where I’d factored in arriving ten minutes early, allowing time to update my medical history on the practise’s records. Predominantly to disclose the now lengthy list of medication I now consume on a daily basis. This not inconsiderable quota of drugs recently earning me the new nickname of Keith Moon from my loving offspring.

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Being a modern dental practise, pre-consultation with the orthodontist, the surgery provides you with an iPad to answer a series of health questions. On previous visits to the practise a questionnaire I’d skate through quickly, However on this occasion, having suffered a heart attack in January and gastric haemorrhage in April, the task was time-consuming and onerous.

Timeliness at completing the questions not helped by the device’s predictive texting not recognising most of the names of my tablets. Something, I’d not noticed until reviewing the list of meds I’d input. A juncture of realisation I was about to update my records with a disclosure that on a daily basis I’d been prescribed the following meds;- 10mg bi-carbonated soda, 400mg algorithms, 32mg tiger tooth and 80 mg of Omar Shariff.

After deleting 10mg bicarbonated soda, 400mg algorithms, 32mg tiger tooth and 80 mg of Omar Shariff, I took great care when re-entering the genuine tablet monikers. A chore where recollecting the correct spellings took some brain wracking on my part …… However, I’d no option but to attempt recall this information myself. After all, it was clear at this point my good buddy predictive texting wasn’t going to be of any assistance.

Finally, after extensive writing and mulling over drug name spellings, I completed the questionnaire. I was relieved get the task, in which I wrote around as many words as I had in yesterdays blog, out of the way. Although somewhat perturbed to realise just about the only question yours truly answered ‘No’ was if I was pregnant.

Shortly after deleting massivebusters.com from the iPad’s internet history, I returned the device to one of the amiable practise receptionists. Shortly afterwards the equally friendly orthodontist called me into her room – At which point we discussed the contents of my medical records, along with how to properly delete internet history files!

During our chat, the young dentist asked if I was suffering with any dental issues, to which I responded it occasionally hurt when I chewed on my left-hand side molars. A disclosure that brought the whimsical response “Well start chewing on the right side then!”

Seriously, though, a dental inspection identified my sporadic chewing discomfort being a consequence of an old filling that requires replacing. A procedure I’ll be undergoing when I reach six months since my heart attack (a recommended period for non-urgent dental work).

After my checkup with the dentist, I’d a short walk to the dental hygienist’s room. Here I received a clean and polish (my teeth, not me) and a horse-racing tip for the 5.40 race at today’s Thirsk meeting.

Prior to the scaling of my gnashers the hygienist advised me that if I experienced any distress during the procedure just to raise my left hand. Around a minute after she started her work my discomfort levels became so intolerable I’d no option but raise my left arm.

She immediately stopped the procedure, asking me “Sorry! I’m I hurting your teeth?!” To which I responded:-

“No the dental work is fine!….. But could you please turn off that bloody Cliff Richard song playing on the radio, please!”

Categories: Blogs, fiction, health/medical, humour

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