Yesterday, I took an impromptu trek to the Junction 32 Retail Outlet, Castleford. A drive I embarked upon with aspirations of acquiring new clothing to improve my sartorial elegance this autumn. Not to mention continuing my vain charade believing I’m not a middle aged man and am ‘with it’ fashion wise……. Although, me just using the expression ‘with it’ will have blown that charade out of the water regardless!
This sojourn a consequence of severe autumnal clobber voids in GJ Strachan’s wardrobe. I have more than enough togs for summer, however when the leaves start tumbling forlornly in October/November my garment choices for the cooler Fall clime diminish significantly.
A well meaning, but misguided, friend suggested not going to the expense of buying autumn clothing. Instead advocating I tar my summer clothing, stand under the horse chestnut trees in my local park at Temple Newsam. Arguing I’d acquire an additional clothing layer for my autumnal ‘coat’ in October when the moribund deciduous foliage came to rest on the viscous tar.
A ludicrous notion I’d no inclination of subscribing to. Amongst my many objections was an intention of avoiding two Fall months as a walking around east Leeds looking like a sapling horse chestnut tree.
Consequently, this Fall’s tumbling leaves will be left to create an autumnal yellow leaf road amongst Temple Newsam’s grounds, not transmute into idiosyncratic additions to my summer wardrobe.
A trail of lemon not dissimilar to the journey to the Emerald City for an audience with the Wizard of Oz. This particular colourful road’s ultimate destination, though, an east Leeds an imposing Jacobean house at the brow of the park landscape designed by Capability Brown.
Despite my loathing of the idea, after yesterday’s fruitless shopping trip, the unwanted ‘coat of amber leaves’ can’t yet be completely discarded. To my frustration, the only remaining sizes of the hoodies and light jackets that caught my eye were XS, S and XXL. Garb of such wildly inappropriate sizing I returned home with nothing suitable to replenish my paucity of Fall clothing.
On the plus side, though, I managed to purchase early Christmas gifts for diminutive actor Warwick Davis and that fat bloke out of the TV quiz The Chase.
Opining I’d let my wardrobe down, it was with some disenchantment I drove the relatively small journey home. After all, my autumn clothing options remained as sparse as old Mother Hubbard’s dinner choices.
When back inside chez Strachan, I sheepishly meandered upstairs to the room where my wardrobe resides. Head bowed, I couldn’t look this clothes storage unit in the face. Not through any shame on my part; moreover it’s a wardrobe and it doesn’t have a face!
With it being a mirrored wardrobe, I could look myself in the face if I’d so desired. However, I was looking at the floor in shame, along with no inclination to view a visage my wife describes as “Like a slapped arse!”; subsequently, I declined the opportunity.
Seeing my melancholic demeanour my wife thoughtfully inquired “Why didn’t you get a hat? There was loads in your size….. That would have raised your spirits.”
“I didn’t want a hat….. Even if I did, how do you know they were my headwear size?….. I don’t even know my hat measurements!” I sought to clarify.
“Those fez’s next to the dried flowers in the last shop we browsed would’ve comfortably fit on your head.” she countered confidently.
“They weren’t fez’s, you berk!….. They were display buckets for the dried flowers!” I attempted chuntered in despair.
“Well, they’d have still provided you with suitable headwear for autumn!” Karen continued, apparently unwilling to leave her attempts at bestowing on me the uplifting qualities of hats.
“I’ve told you before, I don’t want a chuffing hat!…… And if I did, I wouldn’t be a flaming flower presentation bucket adorning my bonce!” I irritably countered.
“Why?…… It’d keep the autumnal rain off your head, not to mention go with the leaf suit, if you pursue that option!” she continued in full Stella McCartney mode.
With that I disenchantedly headed towards the kitchen fridge, where I commenced embracing full Stella Artois mode!