Uninformative Movie Reviews

Around ten summers ago, as an alternative writing conduit to my existing personal Twitter account @gjstrac63, yours truly started a second account titled @MovieLazy .

A concept inadvertently inspired by my (now estranged) wife. This manifesting after asking her about the plot line of 1942 movie Mrs Miniver, to which she answered “It’s about a woman called Mrs Miniver.”

I thought the complete lack of detail within her review of the six times Oscar winning film, which basically told me nothing about the movie, was very funny and potentially had mileage within a parody Twitter account. As a consequence of this jocular Mrs Miniver critique @MovieLazy was conceived; affording GJ Strachan an alternative avenue in which to stir his creative juices.

The account created as a vehicle to tweet spoof movie reviews, furnishing the reader with little or no useful plot line, acting or production information. Hopefully, though, observations witty enough to entertain my discerning reader. Who knows, the better ones maybe even raising a snigger, or contributing to the cessation of a bilious attack.

At the advent of this project (circa 2009) I found the usually restrictive 140 character limit on Twitter actually augmented the vagueness of detail sought within the reviews. I’d like to think, though, this didn’t detract from the desired humour element.

Altogether, I wrote around a hundred of these parody movie critiques. However, once I’d commenced writing a daily blog the project was more or less shelved. It’s ultimate destination the literary graveyard occupied by numerous other writing enterprises I’d embarked upon but, because of this and that (mainly that), were never completed

Subsequently, @MovieLazy abandoning Barry Normanesque quips at the expense of celluloid offerings, instead morphing into a conduit for posting my recent blog links and football related retweets.

For one day only, today, I thought I’d blow the dust from these concise tongue in cheek critiques. Consequently, I enclose an amalgam of my original, along with a few newer, parody movie reviews. You’ll learn little about the films from my brief synopsises, however, hopefully they’ll raise a smile:-

The Big Short – Christian Bale whispers a lot while trying to tell banks of impending financial meltdown. Should’ve talked louder!

Rocketman – Musical charting Elton John’s childhood and early career before he married David Furniture-Polish.

Bohemian Rhapsody – Musical charting Freddie Mercury’s childhood and early career before he used furniture polish in Queen’s ‘I Wanna Break Free’ video.

Scum – A self-help video by an enterprising young Ray Winstone in which he explains the versatility of pool balls.

The Lady In a Van – Posh old bird lives in van on speccy blokes drive. Bloke too busy nursing a custard cream to evict her.

Legend – Twins, so identical could’ve been same guy playing them, beat up many geezers. Mum finds out and sends them to bed without tea.

Mr Bean’s Vacation – Big nosed bloke behaves like a half wit on his holidays. No it’s not me …. Although there’s behavioural similarities.

National Lampoon’s Vacation – Like Mr Bean but with more aesthetically pleasing half wits.

Marnie – Blond lass who gets rid of her Liverpool FC season ticket when becomes afflicted by anxiety attacks on witnessing the colour red.

Where’s the Marmite, Karen? – Not a movie. It was just something I asked my wife while making breakfast.

That’s a Crap Hat – Also not a movie. Just a thought which crossed my mind earlier when a bloke walked past me in a garishly achromatic trilby.

Hunger Games – Not seen it but I’ve heard good reports. Doesn’t star Clint Eastwood or Barry Chuckle.

Around the World in 80 Days – Globetrotting jape in which Alan Partridge behaves like less of a dickhead! ….Ahaaaaa!!

To Kill a Mockingbird – An everyday tale of humanity, bigotry, childhood mischief, courtroom politics and paying your lawyer with turnips.

The Meteorological Walter Mitty – Fantasist weatherman peddles rubbish lies, such as he invented snow, to try impress people…. They weren’t!

The Indiscreet Man – Docudrama telling the tale of a man who wasn’t discreet.

The Revenant – Gripping rom com about a survivalist whose spelling is so bad he can’t even spell reverent! Spelling maybe rubbish, but he’s good at surviving in the wild.

Birdman – Not seen it, but wife says it’s ok. Not sure how she knows, though, as she’s not seen it either!

12 Angry Men – Jury room drama. They aren’t all angry, in fact 1 of them is very calm. Shows the jeopardy of hasty decision making when you’ve tickets for the ball game.

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