No Offence, But….

The morning of Friday 28th August sees yours truly’s epiphany bank as barren as a post menopausal trout. Tiredness borne from a week of erratic sleep, a fuzzy mind consequential of a glass of wine too far during last night’s Zoom quiz, along with lower motivation levels, all contributing to the prevailing idea block.

Incidentally, I’ve no idea if trout go through the menopause; the simile was adopted after I concluded penning ‘barren as a post-menopausal woman’ as a somehow inappropriate inclusion into the prose.

Being raised by an Amish family, in 1970’s Lancaster County, I learned at a young age the workings of female bodies are not appropriate topics for the dinner, or indeed literary, table…… Consequently, I reckoned there’d be less reader indignation from mentioning trout in the above barrenness simile. This the case despite doubts concerning my biological knowledge vis-a-via the piscean reproductive system.

My inclusion of trout borne from the fact, when the word was proceeded by menopausal, I figured the noun wouldn’t be focussed on so much by the reader. Instead, GJ Strachan concluded, utilising the ‘m’ word would immediately highlight the infertility of mind yours I endeavoured to relay.

I’d hate to think my readership were offended by my work in essay, or my other creative amour drawing. Be it past, present or future, I go to great pains to mitigate inclusion of any content which could be interpreted as offensive. Not an easy task these days when individuals boundaries of acceptability vary markedly

Consequently, with such blurred lines of what is appropriate, I endeavour to avoid topics which would rattle the cages of my readership. Religion, politics, race and scarifying lawns just four of the subjects I ordinarily attempt to keep at a distance with the longest of bargepoles.

Well, in polemic, anyhow. I do occasionally raise the topics from an angle of mischief, parody or satire. However, vitriolic diatribes are avoided like the plague; or to use a more contemporary simile avoided like COVID-19.

Yesterday evenings quiz provided it’s usual esprit. This verve borne from the customary synergy of catechisms, live acoustic music and the obligatory whimsical ribbing amongst participants. The contest saw Tim prevail; however, to steal an incredibly cheesy cliche, all contestants were winners when it came to entertainment levels procured.

My contribution to the merrymaking a set of absurd ‘True or False) inquiries. Some of which are highlighted below:-

  1. True or False the Edgware Rd, which links north London suburbs to Central London was built by the Normans? – True…. I was laid by Norman O’Shea, Norman Walsh, Norman Fitzpatrick and Norman O’Connor
  2. True or False, as a child comedian Jimmy Tarbuck had aspirations of, in adulthood, becoming Pope – True
  3. True or False, as a child the current Pope had aspirations of, in adulthood, being Jimmy Tarbuck? – False….. He wanted to be Mike and Bernie Winters.
  4. True or False, due to the fact his Mysteron nemesis’ were merely round white circles moving aimlessly across walls, Captain Scarlet concluded he’d got the short straw when adversaries were being handing out?. – True
  5. True or False, between 1970 and 1985, Gerry & Sylvia Anderson’s bespectacled puppet Joe 90 bought his gigs from JQ Summers opticians on Low Fell, Gateshead – True
  6. True or False, In the 1980’s I used to go drinking with JQ Summers son Ian? – True
  7. True or False, Ian Summers refused to introduce me to Joe 90 when the wonder kid visited his dad’s shop for a sight test – True
  8. True or False, optician JQ Summers middle name was Quartermaster (as with Q in James Bond movies) – False
  9. True or False, Sooty’s puppeteer Harry Corbett and Harry H Corbett (the son in comedy Steptoe & Son) once swapped work partners for a year? Harry Corbert becoming ‘Arold and Harry H becoming the bloke to spend his evenings with his hand up Sooty’s posterior? – False
  10. True or False,, football legend Pele’s viagra dealer is Head of Erectile Dysfunction at Cleethorpe’s College of Arts & Technology? – True

Disclaimer – With the exception of question 6, all questions I’ve indicated as true are in fact untruths on a epic scale!!

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