Unless you count the endless questioning my family subjected me to in our local boozer on returning from Canada, on Tuesday evening I took part in a pub quiz for the first time in ages.

My team comprising of three young local Bedfordshire couples (aged in their late 20’s/early 30’s I’d guess) and yours truly. The latter a middle aged northern Englishman who came in handy for the history stuff and the quiz master’s query “What does Ey Up mean?”

With having decent enough general knowledge, ordinarily when involved previously I performed reasonably well in pub quizzes. Apart from the occasion in 1985, when drunk at The Lambton Worm quiz evening in the County Durham town of Birtley. An occasion when I idiotically thought it’d be hilarious to respond to every question with the answer ‘Anthony Wedgewood Benn’.

My strategy remarkably gaining my also inebriated team, who’d bought into my misguided attempt at whimsy, a correct answer when the penultimate question of “What is late Labour MP Tony Benn’s full moniker?”

pub-quiz

Bizarrely, that point ensured our team didn’t conclude the evening in final position. That accolade going to a team called ‘The Thick S***es’ who lived up to their name by failing to answer any of the questions correctly.

This team made up of a group of local halfwits who wrote their answers in crayon and conversed in a strange gibberish. A language which seemingly didn’t contain any consonants and lots of throatily delivered grunts.

Their captain Geordie Georgeson, renowned locally for his habitual buffoonery, kept a rusting trawler on his driveway as a contingency strategy against widespread flooding in County Durham. Geordie admitted to being unsure if this trawler was water tight, but claimed it mattered not as he was a good swimmer if it did sink.

Another member of ‘The Thick S***es’ was a guy called Murdoch Broon. Nicknamed Dandelion by Geordie, who mistakenly thought the soda drink Dandelion & Burdock was called Dandelion & Murdoch, Broon was the brains of the team. As such, each week his colleagues relied upon him to bring the crayons and wallpaper which they utilised to pen their generally incorrect answers.

Murdock was also the team member who’d make sure they all turned up to the quiz on the correct day; men such as Fergus Treadboard. He a builder from County Cork, Ireland, who claimed his job was ‘Head of Bitumen’ for Gateshead Council. I’m unaware what the role entailed, however Fergus was the only man I’ve ever met who’d laid tarmac in his living room, instead of more conventional floor covering…… God only knows how he got the steamroller through the front door!!

Making up the quarter of ‘The Thick S***es’ team member was Dylan Dong who the team poached from a team called ‘The F***wits’ who ordinarily participated in a pub quiz at The Plough in Kibblesworth.

Dong, who Fergus ‘creatively’ nicknamed Ding, was a cousin of team captain Georgeson. This led to accusations of nepotism, which Georgeson confrontationally pooh-poohed by exclaiming to his accusers “It’s nothing to do with nepotism, I’ve enlisted him because we’re related!!”

I’ve no idea what became of the guys in ‘The Thick S***es’, but I can say with a large degree of confidence that they won’t have appeared on the BBC TV quiz shower ‘Eggheads’.