Careless Critiques

Around four summers ago I started a Twitter account called @MovieLazy as an alternative writing conduit to my then existing personal Twitter account @gjstrac63.

It was inspired by a member of my family who when asked about the plot line of six times Oscar winning 1942 movie Mrs Miniver, answered “It’s about a woman called Mrs Miniver.”

I thought the complete lack of detail in the film review, which basically told me nothing about the movie, was very funny and potentially had mileage as a parody Twitter account.

As a consequence of this inadvertently funny Mrs Miniver critique @MovieLazy was conceived. This event a relatively straight forward conception, apart from me getting cramp in my calf muscle is it neared it’s confusion.

The account created as a vehicle to tweet spoof movie reviews, furnishing the reader with little or no useful plot line, acting or production information. Hopefully, though, observations witty enough to entertain the reader.

I found the then restrictive 140 character limit on Twitter for once actually added to the vagueness of detail I’d sought in the reviews. I’d like to think, though, that it didn’t detract from the humour element I sought.

Altogether, I wrote around a hundred of these parody movie critiques – A project, though, which once I’d commenced writing a daily blog was shelved. Its ultimate destination the literary graveyard occupied by numerous other writing enterprises I’d embarked upon but hadn’t completed. The account instead becoming utilised as a conduit for posting blog links and an occasional football related retweet.

Today, I thought I would resurrect these reviews for the day. Challenging myself to embark on a slightly different creative avenue from the one I ordinarily tread.

With this in mind, I enclose the following parody movie reviews:-

The Big Short – Christian Bale whispers a lot while trying to tell banks of impending financial meltdown. Should’ve talked louder!

Rocketman – Musical charting Elton John’s childhood and early career before he married David Furniture-Polish.

Bohemian Rhapsody – Musical charting Freddie Mercury’s childhood and early career before he used furniture polish in a Queen video.

Scum – A self-help video by an enterprising young Ray Winstone during which he explains the versatility of pool balls.

The Lady In a Van – Posh old bird lives in van on speccy blokes drive. Bloke too busy nursing a custard cream to evict her.

Legend – Twins, so identical could’ve been same guy playing them, beat up many geezers. Mum finds out n sends them to bed without tea.

Mr Bean’s Vacation – Big nosed bloke behaves like a half wit on his holidays. No it’s not me …. Although there’s similarities.

National Lampoon’s Vacation – Like Mr Bean but with more aesthetically pleasing half wits.

Where’s the Marmite, Karen? – Not a movie. It was just something I asked my wife while making breakfast.

That’s a Crap Hat – Also not a movie. Just a thought that crossed my mind before as a bloke walked past me in a garish beret.

Hunger Games – Not seen it but I’ve heard good reports. Doesn’t star Clint Eastwood or Barry Chuckle.Jennifer Lawrence does though.

Around the World in 80 Days – Globetrotting jape in which Alan Partridge behaves like less of a dick! ….Ahaaaaa

To Kill a Mockingbird – Everyday tale of humanity, bigotry, childhood mischief, courtroom politics and paying your lawyer with turnips.

Meteorological Walter Mitty – Fantasist weatherman peddles rubbish lies, such as he invented snow, to try impress people…. They weren’t!

The Indiscreet Man – Made up movie name telling the tale of a man who wasn’t discreet.

The Revenant – Gripping rom com about a survivalist whose spelling is so bad he can’t even spell reverent! Spelling maybe rubbish, but good at surviving.

Birdman – Not seen it, but wife says it’s ok. Not sure how she knows, though, as she’s not seen it either!

12 Angry Men – Jury room drama. They aren’t all angry, in fact 1 of them is very calm. Shows risk of hasty decision making when you’ve tickets for the ball game.

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