The Grass Is Greener

I’ve been gardening at the old lady’s house this morning.

As she viewed a broadcast of ‘Homes Under The Hammer’ indoors, I proceeded cutting back the overgrown flora and fauna outdoors. My audio accompaniment a distant, but audible chatter of a couple of workers on a nearby building site.

The workmen’s colourful banter occasionally interspersed with my mum’s voice exclaiming through an open window “Bloody hell, I’d never pay that much for a dump like that!” I’m assuming Maggie’s diatribe was targeted at a property on the TV show, not the cost of the ongoing constructions close-by.

It would be inappropriate to fully elaborate on the contents of these lads verbal exchanges. What I will say, though, is what occurred on tour didn’t stay on tour, Macca…… I don’t know who you are, pal, however if the banter heard was true I’d recommend a visit to your doctor pronto….. Failing that, a vet!

One final point concerning the builder’s gossip before moving on. A simple cliché advising Louise to stay strong as there’s plenty more fish in the sea……. Oh, and Tracey, I’d venture getting stone-cladding is a big mistake. It’s aesthetically unappealing enough on the façade of a property, but profoundly tasteless on that dress you’ve bought for Friday’s night out in Batley.

The lawn in my mum’s back garden is currently so barren it appears to be wearing a poorly fitted brown hairpiece. I’m pretty sure it won’t be as, for one thing, mater doesn’t squander money on ridiculous purchases….. Additionally, if she had the financial wherewithal to buy a massive wig, I’d wager her priority would be to cover the kitchen table not the back grass.

Unlike the shrubs in my own garden, I’m unaware of many plant names residing within the plot designed by my late pater. It’s not something I unduly worry about, though – After all, the ignorant gets never call me by my name!

Bizarrely, after several weeks without an significant rainfall, the front lawn of casa Strachan senior is still relatively green. Bearing in mind the contrast to the back lawn’s barren appearance, I’m baffled why it exhibits this healthy pallor.

It’s as if the front garden is being surreptitiously watered overnight, like in the fairy tale ‘The Elves & The Shoemaker’.

Clearly, there are several differences between the yarn of elves secretly manufacturing high quality footwear for an old ‘down on his luck’ shoemaker, compared to someone possibly providing clandestine TLC to a front lawn in the Wakefield area.

For instance, unlike the brogue maker who left out raw materials for his little helpers, my old lady doesn’t put out a full watering can on her front step before retiring for the night…… Not to my knowledge anyway!

In the very, very unlikely event it is elves responsible for the overnight watering of a front lawn in WF3, next time you’re there can you do me a favour and trim back the ivy climbing the side of my mater’s house. Ordinarily I wouldn’t ask, but due to today’s excessive eavesdropping on builders chatter, I’ve not had time to undertake it myself.


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