Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

A Whimsical Daily Diary From Deep Within A Random Mind

Medium & Rare

Not that I’m complaining, but the UK’s warm spell carries on unabated. This morning, an acquaintance felt the need to inform me that they were sweating like a camel’s backside. As it wasn’t a mind’s picture I wanted, or indeed a simile I’d heard before I didn’t respond to this oratory offering.

By the nature of camel’s normal environment, ie in deserts, there’s a possibility the adage may bear some basis in fact. That being said, I’ve no intention of googling ‘Do dromedaries posteriors perspire?’, so I’ll take my acquaintances word for it.

Scores of little black insects are flitting around me as I write. I’m unsure which class within the Arthropoda these insects fit, however, I do know that they’re swarming around me like flies around a camel’s backside.

As with the earlier simile about genus Camelus, the forensic accuracy of the statement isn’t known. Like that comment about sweating like a camel’s bottom, it’s only an assumption on my part that flies are inclined to populate around the same orifice.

As with most of my narratives, I started this lexilogical gathering not knowing what topic would manifest itself from yours truly’s mercurial mind. I’d say I’m surprised that around 200 words into this literary litany the subject matter thus far has been camel’s arse similes. However, I shouldn’t be too shocked as, to be honest, I often struggle to control the avenues my brain wanders during these offerings.

cartoon_camel_journal

I’ve employed various strategies to resolve the annoyance manifesting from these tiny insects. Well, if truth be told, I’ve tried one strategy, and thus far swiping my arms in the air and shouting “Go away you irritating little b****rs!” have proved futile…….. The only result of my misguided plan was for neighbour Mike to text me and ask if I was having Oompah Loompah troubles again.

Desperate to rid myself of these annoying little critters (insects not Oompah Loompahs), within the last few minutes I’ve googled ‘Combating insect infestations’. Sadly, it’s been about as helpful as a camel’s backside – It’s only advocacy to wave my arms in the air and shout “Go away you irritating little b****rs!”

Knowing she’d a similar insect infestation last week, I rang my mum to ask how she got rid of her unwelcome visitors. That turned out to be a fruitless call as when she picked phone up, before I had a chance to speak, she shouted “B*ll*cks!” down the phone and hung up. Next time I’m around I’ll have to mention she needs to fine tune her strategy for dealing with cold callers.

Although, coming to think of it, my name comes up on her phone when I ring her so it may have been intentional after all.

My wife Karen took a break from writing her book surrounding a clairvoyant and chef detective team called Medium & Rare, to offer the helpful advice of “Why don’t you just kill them?” An advocacy I don’t want to countenance as I find murder cruel with limited career opportunities……. Although I may have a change of heart if I can work out how to tickle the insects to death.

Karen has high hopes for her first literary attempt. Medium Rare is a sort of contemporary take on the 1980’s US show Hart to Hart..…. That’s apart from Medium and Rare aren’t married, don’t have a dog called Freeway, a butler called Max and don’t solve a weekly homicide – They are private detectives hunting down people mis-sold PPI.

Coming to think of it, Medium & Rare have very little in common with Hart to Hart, apart from the fact both have deeply flawed plot lines!

Right, I need to close this now. Intrigue has got the better of me and I’m going to google ‘Do dromedary’s posteriors perspire?’.

Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour

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