It took a while, but with perseverance, tenacity and a little pinch of pixie dust, I managed to get on The Cloud WIFI network at a local medical establishment this morning. It was a frustrating 30 minutes, however, I remained calm and collected throughout, only once reverting to the naughty word that rhymes with duck.
My internet connectivity issues started when I was refused access. The news of this delivered in the shape of a confrontational electronic message from the connectivity software, informing me that it didn’t like my password.
I sighed at the security application’s obstructiveness to what, I was convinced, was the correct password. After all, I wasn’t asking it to like the damn thing, just allow me a much needed Twitter fix, before being cast into a land of withdrawal shivers along with a perspiring brow.
Eventually I sorted out the password conundrum, only to now be hindered by a network access problem.
I’ve previously worked in IT, but can by no stretch of the imagination be called technical. A knowledge void born from a lack of inquisitiveness into the workings of Charles Babbage’s 20th century epiphany. I am, of course, not naïve enough not to understand how critical computers are in all aspects of life.
Although I have about as much interest in IT as I have in the Frickley Athletic score on a Saturday, I know enough to get by. For example, I can undertake bog standard fixes to the operating system, applications and hardware.
Additionally, I can ordinarily sort out WIFI access issues easily enough; which added to my annoyance at the network’s intransigence at allowing WWW connectivity. I attempted various solutions to my conundrum, such as begging, pleading, grovelling and shouting “Connect you useless piece of crap!”, but stoic resistance was encountered at every turn.
Despite having a basic IT grounding , I’ve no idea how to resolve more technical problems. Solutions to hub oscillation, institutionalised interfaces or the even rarer issue of a arbitrary flange latency remain hidden suitors in my quest to upskill in the technology field.
To clarify, my indifference to the Frickley Athletic score is not born out of dislike. I could have written any football club name (other than Leeds United) whose results I am equally disinterested in…… So if you are a fan of the Northern Premier League team don’t take my mention of your club too personally. I really have nothing against your club or it’s museum.
Anyway, due to still suffering from WIFI access problems, I headed towards the radiology section reception desk. Here I engaged with a young lady, blonde of hair, firm of bosom and green of eye.
A pleasant girl, she displayed superb customer service skills, including completely ignoring the fact she had a restraining order out on me. She remained heavily armed throughout the time I spoke with her, but she couldn’t undertake enough to help. bless her.
On mentioning my problems getting onto the internet, I was told that The Cloud network was suffering from arbitrary flange latency. The receptionist further informed me the head of BT’s arbitrary flange latency team had been engaged, with a resolution expected presently.
While I was at the reception I pointed out that I was experiencing similar issues accessing the hospital guest WIFI network. The receptionist advised me to switch off my device and restart a new session. If that didn’t work I was informed to beg, plead, grovel and shout “Connect you useless piece of crap!” at my laptop device.
On articulating I’d already unsuccessfully tried her suggested solutions, the receptionist pondered for a few seconds before responding “Damn, the network must have a institutionalised interface problem again!…. In that case, you’ll have to wait for availability of The Cloud network.”
Thankfully, BT quickly resolved The Cloud issue; following which the prince and princess rode off toward the sunset and lived happy ever after.
Well. until six months into the marriage when the prince experienced hub oscillation problems, they divorced and she moved in with the Frickley Athletic goalkeeper!