As I’ve been otherwise engaged building a patio set and a new barbecue grill, I’ve not had an opportunity to compose today’s narrative. Fear not, though, hold that hate mail and don’t put your reading gigs back in their case just yet, as in lieu of a blog I’ve forwarded the questions I wrote from Thursday night’s Zoom quiz with the lads.
Before you make an application for me to be sectioned, I’d like to clarify these inquiries are intentionally absurd, in the style of the True or False round in 1990’s TV’s comedy quiz Shooting Stars.
As usual with these catechisms, any highlighted as true (in bold) bear not one shred of truth!!
True Or False
1) True Or False – The Cadbury SMASH robots wouldn’t have laughed at old school mash makers if they’d tasted the sawdust-like mush they were peddling. True
2) True Or False – In real life, animated public information characters Joe & Petunia were nowhere near as dysfunctional, or irresponsible, as commercials painted them. False – They were indeed a selfish, uncaring, rusting car on the front lawn, bluster fucks.
3) True Or False – A meticulous method actor, Bernard Cribbins would sit in a giant nest to embrace his role of Buzby when recording narrations for Post Office Telephone. False – He indulged in bird talk whilst sitting halfway up a horse chestnut tree.
4) True Or False – Labelling the road crossing safety guru The Green Cross Man was a bit of a misnomer. After all, unless you take into account when he played Darth Vader, Dave Prowse wasn’t at all cross…… Or indeed green. True
5) True Or False – Due to possessing an unusually small throat clack, when Willie Rushton provided the voice of animated Clifford the Listerine Dragon, the gurgling elements of the plot were undertaken by a stand-in. False – Willie was renowned amongst his peers as an accomplished gargler.
6) True Or False – The famed 1970’s Cornetto adverts showing Venetian gondoliers stealing an amorous couples cornets ceased when the product size diminished so markedly pilfering became logistically impossible. True
7) True Or False – After slipping on Fairy Liquid spillage, during which clodhopper Archie Klutz fractured a thumb and index finger, it became clear the washing up liquid wasn’t necessarily kinder to your hands. False – I made up that ridiculous hooey.
8) True Or False – The tag line of “I bet she wears Harmony hairspray.” became so iconic, in the late 70’s bookmaker Ladbrokes start taking wagers on the forecast. False – It was William Hill bookies who accepted these idiosyncratic punts.
9) True Or False – The iconic Hovis advert in which a West Yorkshire accented narrator eulogises about how great a baker his dad was flimflam of the highest order. His fatha’s bread allegedly tasted like Gandhi’s flipflop?. True
10) True Or False – When the nationalised British Gas was being floated on the open market with an advert informing viewers to Tell Sid, evidently Sidney couldn’t give a flying fuck about lining his pockets from the UK gas network’s privatisation. False – He was a greedy, self-serving Thatcherite and made shit loads of lolly from his cut price share procurement.