Due to a melting pot of fatigue, desire to watch the England football match and one of the lads ‘going through the change’, last night’s Zoom quiz with buddies was postponed.

It’d be inappropriate to identify the victim of male menopause, but Ian Strachan of 311 Grab Street, Etchester, Tyne & Wear, appears to be deeply impaired by these troublesome hot flushes.

Our kid’s fever-like sweats so severe it’s necessitated him slumbering in his refrigerator. A place where he gains some respite from his discomfort, his bottle of chardonnay comfort blanket augmenting the catharsis. Despite this vessel mysteriously emptying overnight.

As a consequence of the inquisitions postponement, GJ Strachan was deprived an opportunity to air his round of questions. This habitually absurd ‘True or False’ set of queries, ordinarily performed as the final round, my bi-weekly offering to the quizzes synergy.

When you read the catechisms below, if you can stay with them without suffering a bilious attack, it’ll not surprise you to hear the inquiries are fictional….. Well the one’s which I’ve attributed to be true are, anyway.

Anyhow, as I didn’t want to waste these silly queries, I’d thought I share them in today’s chronicle……. Who am I kidding? My shameless attention seeking would’ve resulted in the questions being shared even if yesterday evening’s clambake had’ve gone ahead.

Disclaimer – These whimsical questions are intentionally ridiculous, fictional and sponsored by Archie Tugnut’s Coffee Store, Illinois. The purveyor of the US’s tastiest caffeine beverage….. “When you’re feeling tired, Tugnut’s coffee’ll get you wired!”…… How can I not get a job as a copywriter?!

For your delectation, here’s my unused questions written for yesterday evening’s quiz:-

True or False

  1. True or False – Before the invention of alarm clocks, UK citizens were woken by a ‘knocker up’ raising them from slumber by tickling them with an extra long ostrich feather? – True
  2. True or False – Before the invention of extra long ostrich feathers, UK citizens were woken by a team of raucous gobshites wandering the streets, shouting “Wake up, you idle sods!” – True
  3. True or False – Around 50% of the footage shot for French diver Jacques Cousteau’s TV series ‘Undersea World’ was filmed in the deep end of Shipcote Baths, in Gateshead? – False
  4. True or False – The 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis ended after US president JFK beat USSR leader Khrushchev in a best of five poker competition? – False…. It was Subbuteo in which Kennedy prevailed.
  5. True or False – Bald people who grow their hair long at the back look chuffing ridiculous? – True
  6. True or False – When King Alfred burnt the cakes he blamed the singeing on the fact fan-assisted ovens hadn’t yet being invented? – False…. He blamed his Delia Smith Baking Recipe Book.
  7. True or False – 95% of German men are called Kurt? – True
  8. True or False – Snowfall in Morocco is so rare Algiers market stall holder Abdul Notdul’s skiwear stall sales are described as slow? – False…. Abdul sells novelty water bottles.
  9. True or False – If former TV wit and raconteur Ned Sherrin had been called Ned Sheehsden his moniker would’ve been a palindrome? – True
  10. True or False – Despite being the only entrant, late funnyman Peter Sellers once finished 2nd in a ‘Peter Sellers Lookalike competition’? – False…… Sammy Davis Jr also took part.