Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

The Most Wonderful Time…..

December’s arrived! Consequently, Joe and Josephine Public have reached a juncture whereby, without fear of repercussions from the Christmas tree police, they can now erect and decorate their Christmas tree.

Additionally, as a consequence of commencing 2019’s final month, it won’t be long until the very same Mr & Mrs P are subject to visits from carol singers. Warblers whose singing abilities ordinarily vary from cacophonous to the even more cacophonous.

To clarify, I’ve nothing against carol singers per se. Listening to festive refrains sung by a melodic choir can be a beautiful addition to the Christmas experience. I don’t want to appear Scroogesque, however, doorstep subjection to a pubescant kid whose solitary knowledge of carol lyrics is the line “Silent Night, Holy Night”, repeatedly sung out of tune until you give them a quid, is galling.

It’s even worse when they perform a song that’s not even a carol! I’m convinced the song one kid whistled at my door last December (he didn’t even bother to sing it!)  was ‘Bring Him Home’ from Les Miserables!……. Although painting myself as les miserable for real, I think it’s only fair to expect entertainment fit for a French provincial town mayor when bequeathing a doorstep Jean Valjean with a £1 coin.

Today also sees the commencement of a month when an amalgam of chocolate and raised children excitement levels reach heights unmatched during the other months of the year.

Adults are equally as giddy. Some quaffing insane amounts of alcohol at office parties, imparting them with the courage to tell their boss what they’ve wanted to tell them all year, but daren’t when sober!……. Vitriolic and cruel putdowns such as “Do you use Harmony hairspray, Arthur?!” and “How did you become my boss? You don’t even know how Dundee cakes get their name?!”

A Dundee Cake (below) – You’d never guess how it got its name. Unless you guess it was because it originated in Dundee ….. Errrrr, then you have guessed!

dundee cake

As the office parties get out of hand, Harvey in Accounts will get his face slapped by Mary from Sales for inappropriate behaviour. This lewdness occurring during an impromptu office Hokey Cokey when he puts his hand in instead of out before shaking it all about.

During raucous Mailroom Christmas celebrations, the ‘pickled’ eccentric franker*** George shows off his new barcode tattoo. An idiosyncratic piece of body art which he proudly boasts when scanned at his local supermarket recognises him as a bag of 99p King Edward potatoes.

*** – Not rhyming slang 

Meanwhile, prior to leaving for her bus home, on a booze fuelled Christmas Eve premises manager Eddie Boardwalk’s secretary Gloria ponders whether to report tipsy building maintenance engineer Archie Chuffbox. The misogynistic office wag who only moments earlier rung her office extension to mischievously enquire “Can you give me Ed, please?”

Enjoy your advent!

 

Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour, parody

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