Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Job Vacancy

Yesterday a friend announced their Labrador has developed a disturbing culinary taste while they partook in saunters through local meadows and copses. This new unwanted dietary development presenting itself in the form of its habitual participation in daily ‘all you can eat’ binges of fox pooh.

According to the dog’s owner the ambience provided by a mixture of fox pooh and wet fur, courtesy of the damp fields it roams, is a truly odious sensory amalgam. A stench every bit as gut churning as thoughts of her beloved Labrador Coco’s stomach contents. The pooches new eating fad sadly more ‘a la farte’ than ‘a la carte’.

A bouquet that significantly exacerbated her already challenging pink gin inflicted hangover. An affliction that for two days rendered the lady’s sensory capabilities almost redundant, with the ironic exception of her sense of smell which unfortunately became more sensitive to scent.

Although I’ve never drunk pink gin, or indeed any other form of that drink, I’m reliably informed it was once referred to as ‘mother’s ruin’. From what I hear, though, if offered the choice between joining Coco with his new diet, or suffering again from a gin infused two day write-off, the owner will have to indulge in a game of paper, rock and scissors to choose the winner!!

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I’ve never owned a dog. A decision taken not out of dislike or fear of canines, moreover not being in a hurry to introduce incidents like Fox-Poohgate into my life. My reticence also influenced to an ingrained indifference to picking up dog pooh on a daily basis.

Some may argue that there’s an option of just not picking up the mess and leaving it for someone else to later scrape from their (or their child’s) shoe. However, individuals who think that’s an acceptable dog walking strategy need to have a word with themselves.

In many ways canines are far better companions than humans – For a start, they’re a far more trustworthy and loyal species. Add to that the bonus they’re less likely to hog the TV remote control (unless Lassie boxsets get an airing on Netflix), along with being far more capable at finding sturdy sticks*** than homo sapiens.

*** – The versatility of discarded tree branches is the main reason I’m often spotted meandering around Leeds adorning a ‘I Love Sticks’ or a ‘Keep Calm And Carry A Stick’ t-shirt.

If truth be told, I’d probably have a dog with the nature of, say, a Labrador if I could get someone else to pick up it’s faeces on a daily basis. A vacancy I recently commenced advertising in the magazine ‘Damn, It’s A Bit loose Today!’

With its more than reasonable wage and provision of a free hand sanitiser every week, I’m bemused how difficult it’s been to fill the role. If anyone is interested, my advertisement for the vacancy reads as follows:-

 

Wanted – Apply Within.                Faeces Retrieval Operative

Benefits Package – Salary is negotiable. Perks include a hand sanitiser allowance and plenty of fresh air. Along with the chance to cosy up to the fit looking bird at number 189 when she takes her poodle for a stroll.

Job Description – The role involves the daily lifting and bagging of canine waste products for onward despatch into specifically provided dog baba bins. The successful applicant will be required to walk the household pet when/where necessary. Along with being prepared to work late if the owner is quaffing Stella Artois down the boozer with Macca and Jegsy – Or if he’s otherwise occupied at Delila’s Massage Emporium.

Skills Required – The candidate should be able to tell their arse from their elbow; although that’s not strictly essential as training will be given

Strong influencing skills are preferable but not desperately required as the mutt is a bit of a soft touch who acquiesces to most commands you give it. If you can train it to attack the missus, though, there’s a fiver in it for you!!

The candidate must possess strong people/dog skills. Along with being able to restrain a boisterous lead attached canine whilst simultaneously admonishing the animal with stern cries of “Calm down, Rover!“, “That’s not your ball, you dim pooch!” and “Get off my leg, you horny apath!

The applicant should possess a fondness of sticks, and display digit dexterity when manipulating matter into a pooh bag.

Previous experience isn’t essential, although candidates in possession of a ‘Higher National Certificate in S**t Shovelling‘ will be looked upon favourably – Well, once they’ve washed their hands they will anyway!

Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour, parody

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