Being on my tod at the moment, while my wife is supporting her recently widowed pater, I’ve plenty of time to mull over the fineries of our existence.
These epiphanies surrounding pastimes and hobbies I’d miss most in the hypothetical scenario of being stuck on a desert island – Grim circumstances where my only company was fragrant Aussie actress Margot Robbie and a Subbuteo table football game.
Notions of things I’d love to fill in the copious free time at Ms Robbie and my disposal, especially following our relationship turning sour. This a consequence of her unfounded accusations of me cheating at Subbuteo…… Margot, a renowned stickler for adhering to table football game rules, falsely accusing me of moving my players by shuffling them towards the football instead of the regulatory flicking.
In this scenario, I’ve no idea how the Subbuteo game, or indeed Margot and me, got to this isolated island in the South Pacific. However I concluded, should this unlikely set of events play out, her intransigence wasn’t going to render me bereft of entertainment.
For one thing, like an incontinent barrister’s undies, I’d wager the stubborn antipodean’s claims of my shuffling misdemeanours wouldn’t hold water in court.
I pride myself on the accuracy of my flicks of Subbuteo team members. Consequently, possession of this skillset ensures I’ve no requirement for shuffling players football bound. Rendering Ms Robbie’s allegations as misguided, and I opine the result of bitterness at the fact I was beating her 3-2 at the time.
Anyhow, should Margot’s stubbornness cause this type of rift between us, what possession would I desire to negate the boredom on this South Pacific island.
Well for one thing, I’ve concluded I’d like the company of an A-list actress who isn’t as pedantic or misguided as Margot Robbie with interpretation of the rules of Subbuteo. Someone like Michelle Williams, who’s reputation for exhibiting a flexible and conciliatory approach toward table football game dictums is legendary amongst Hollywood A-listers.
In my own personal ‘Desert Island Discs’, amongst my other desires I’d probably choose a wind up record player and a vinyl copy of Placido Domingo’s version of the moving Neapolitan aria Core N’grato. An evocative song of such beautiful melancholy that it would distract me from the fact the clumsy but well- meaning Michelle Williams had knelt on and broken half my Subbuteo team.
The choice of literary companion on this island hideaway would be the unorthodox selection of Viz character Roger Mellie’s Profanaseraus.
Bearing in mind the beauty bestowed by Ms Williams persona and Domingo’s aria, the crude content of Roger Mellie’s tome is admittedly an idiosyncratic choice. However, it’s humour would no doubt keep Michelle and me entertained during breaks in Subbuteo games. Not to mention, it’s words may provide inspiration for use if Margot’s still on the island.
For my final selection of island companion I’d select a spare Subbuteo team. It’s probably gonna be essential if Michelle Williams is gonna keep kneeling on my players……. The clumsy mare!!!