Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Pigeon Full English

During today’s breakfast, I was greeted with views of five wood pigeons feasting on the berry strewn pyracantha situated at the starboard side of my garden.

As these birds and I dined, me on baked bean covered crumpets and the avians on the evergreen shrub’s orange fruit, it struck me what miserable birds pigeons are. A conclusion I was drawn to by, despite them partaking of a free feed, they still displaying visages like a slapped posterior.

As my mind wandered at this sight, I pondered whether this negative body language indicated the birds’ displeasure that GJ Strachan only provided a continental style first meal of the day.

If that was the case, it’s a situation I make no apologies for. Admittedly, I provide limited breakfast options to my garden’s wildlife guests – However, if these berry scavenging pigeons think I’d be inclined to cook them a full English on reveille each morning they’re very much mistaken. As much as I’d like to maintain the chromatic splendour provided by the shrub’s berries, I’d rather them be bird food than have to embark on the regime of cooking sausage, bacon, eggs, mushrooms, beans and fried bread on a daily basis.

Being reasonably big birds, the precarious nature in which the five wood pigeons perch on the pyracantha’s branches is a whimsical sight. Although the shrub is mature and standing at around eight foot in height, the birds weight still cause branches to make sharp lateral movements as they feed. This creating the comical appearance of avians riding a bucking bronco.

Between mouthfuls of breakfast, I attempted to record this sight on camera – No easy task with these vigilant birds. Every time I got close to the window, seeking to record the scene, they fled en masse towards a wooded area in the distance.

On each occasion, when I returned to the dining table they’d return to finish their feast. Causing a scenario whereby our combined breakfasts took double the length of time to consume; along with me cursing the wood pigeons for the mischievous antics they employed to avoid having their images captured.

As a consequence of this experience, I now hold a more sympathetic stance towards cartoon blaggards Dick Dastardly and Muttley for the frustration they encountered during numerous futile attempts to stop the pigeon.

As I commence this paragraph, I’m currently sitting in an armchair; my back to the garden window that bestows picturesque views of my garden. I’ve not checked, however, I’d wager if I turned around I’d witness massed ranks of wood pigeons re-creating a scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s macabre thriller The Birds. A panoramic view akin to the one Hitch shot where hundreds of avians menacingly congregated in the school playground as the kids sang inside their alma mater.

Unlike in Hitchcock’s horror, though, if I stood up and attempted to record the sight for posterity I wouldn’t (I hope) be subjected to a vicious bird attack. More likely my actions would result in the wood pigeons, yet again, disappearing en masse into the treed area beside Colton Retail Park.

Frustrated at the failure of capturing images of pigeons feasting on the pyrancantha bush, I’ve sworn revenge upon these itinerant birds. Only time will tell in what shape or form that’ll manifest itself. One certainty, though, is I won’t be taking advice on retribution from the bungling guys in the clip below!

Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour, Spoof News Stories

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