Pass The Turps!

Yesterday morning I woke from my trademark erratic slumber with arms adorning patches of brilliant white gloss paint. These numerous specs bestowing a look of a starlit sky on my upper extremities; with larger flecks resembling an astrological constellation.

Immediate thoughts during my disorientated state of reveille centred around concerns I’d been sleep walking overnight. Scenes where I’d deviated from normal sleep behaviour to (mid-kip) refresh the fading white woodwork in my bedroom with oil based paint. These awaking epiphanies included worries like “Oh balls, if I have sleep glossed hopefully I’d the sense to put masking tape below the skirting boards prior before hand.”

On leaning over the side of my mattress to investigate, I witnessed no tape to negate slipshod brushwork from making contact with the bedroom carpet. Although, that didn’t provide confirmation, or otherwise, whether I’d refreshed my skirting board decor during a rare instance of deep sleep.

Further scrutiny revealed no sign of brilliant white gloss on any parts of the rooms carpet fibre, nor wet paint adorning woodwork, or the distinctive odour of the liquid decorating material. Consequently, I concluded the constellation style paint marks on my arms were a result of previous day’s woodwork glossing.

That particular afternoon’s labour assisting my son Jonny and fiancee Jenny with living room decorating work in their recently purchased home.

On returning back to Leeds from their new residence on the outskirts of York, yours truly had showered. However, it was becoming clear the markings on my arms were a consequence of my slapdash efforts shower cubicle in situ. Not my earlier unlikely half asleep epiphany the source was GJ Strachan’s unscheduled decorating during slumber.

I wasn’t overly bothered about adorning errant specs of gloss on my arms. After all, this incident wasn’t a big deal; although it did highlight going forward a need to address my after-decoration showering regime…… Either that or completely cover myself in masking tape next time I paint.

Although, I’ll likely go with the easier option of merely to wearing my spectacles during quality control (QC) checks after leaving the cubicle. Ensuring no traces of woodwork covering remained on my 180lb frame.

I’ll shower again on conclusion of this monologue.


With regards assisting with anymore paintwork only time will tell. The two affianced have done a remarkable amount of work since obtaining the keys to the door twelve days ago. Fatigue being overridden by excitement imparted from purchasing their first home together.

I can always recall when my wife Karen and I moved into our first home together in 1988. The inaugural casa Strachan a two bedroom semi-detached on the Luton/Dunstable borders, in Bedfordshire.

I fondly recollect the euphoria my wife and me exhibited at this time. We didn’t have a pot to p*** in, but thankfully there was a toilet in the bathroom, so it didn’t matter. I’d never seen my betrothed look so happy, apart from perhaps the day her dad used a sentence containing words that actually exist in English dictionary.

In fact, putting our stamp on the newly built home unleashed so much excitement within the family even her mother stopped being negative for 17 minutes at 6:13 pm on 23rd July 1988…….. It’s said that she hadn’t stopped being negative that fateful day in 1988, she just went silent to concentrate when re-loading her rifle. However, I like to give the fragrant woman the benefit of the doubt.

Anyhow, I’m off for a shower to shed these gloss specks from my forearms.

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