I’m inspirationally impotent this morning. Consequently the last twenty minutes have been spent gawping gormlessly at the taunting chaste page in front of me. If you want a more descriptive image of my visage, think Irishman in a maths exam*.

* Only joshing my Celtic cousins!

Bereft of a epiphany for today’s blog topic, I fill my time picking at my beard. Sadly, this hapless grooming not aiding in producing a ‘light bulb moment’ for yours truly; instead all I’m achieving is expansion of the bald patch on my chin.

My habit of picking at my beard, around a scar where hair follicles are unable to flourish, adding to the already moth-eaten sight of my facial hair. A look akin to a mysterious crop circle in a field of hay.

Not that the gap in my beard has a mystery source; it’s due to the aforementioned childhood scar and a tic where I remove hair follicles during the act of mulling. I can tell if I’m mulling, pondering or contemplating by my habits I exhibit when seeking inspiration.

If I’m mulling I pick hair follicles from my beard, when contemplating I habitually scratch my testicles, whereas if I’m pondering I’d don my ‘Ignore The Gormless Face, I’m Pondering’ t-shirt…… Until I’ve expanded my portfolio of habits when bereft of inspiration, I avoid the acts of wondering and evaluating.

For your awareness, my hands always get washed after I’ve been contemplating!

It’s an unusual event for me to experience a paucity of ideas when seeking to expand my literary catalogue. Writer’s block hits occasionally, however it’s rare for me to sit for more than fifteen minutes without transferring an idea to the blank space on my laptop……. That being said, as I’ve just written 300 words explaining I can’t think of anything to write about, this can’t be the worse episode ever experienced!

To a wordsmith the impotence of creativity is as unwelcome a visitor as impotence of the libido. In fact some may say it’s worse as at least there’s medical supplements to aid the latter……. Well, that’s if you can you class a pencil and sticking tape as medical supplements!!

writers block

I had a weird dream last night, involving a scene where I had to get up on theatre stage and sing a song Frank Sinatra performed in the 1957 movie ‘Pal Joey’.

Even though, in my waking hours, I know the lyrics to the refrain Lady is a Tramp, sadly during my night vision they’d slipped my mind. Consequently, I was left standing in front of a full theatre adlibbing the song words. Prose which for some reason seemed to be heavily stacked in favour of advertising Sainsburys weekly food offers. An example of the which is:-

She gets too hungry for dinner at 8

She shops at Sainsburys, whose offers are great

She’d never bother with people she hates

That’s why the lady shops at Sainsburys……..

After concluding all 602 verses, during which I mentioned this weeks price reductions for products like cheese, crisps, gammon and eggs, the audience showed their displeasure by booing my performance.

In hindsight, as the audience were a group of Tescos shop workers, I should’ve known singing the praises of their supermarket rivals would touch a nerve……… Disenchanted at the crowd’s negative response, I ambled off stage.

Back in my dressing room I was met by Sainsburys head of marketing. After slapping me on the back and thanking me for attempting to raise the profile of his companies latest weekly price reductions, he offered me a job in the jingle writing team for Sainsburys Christmas commercial.

The only caveat he had in my contract was a clause banning me from contemplating during team meetings……. I’m currently mulling his offer over.