Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Order of Service

I’ve just dropped my motor off at a local garage for it’s annual service. Sitting here at Costa coffees hop defiling a chaste white page with self-indulgent locutions, hopefully I’ll not receive a mid-morning phone call from a mechanic informing he’s identified an unexpected car maintenance issue.

Problems such as my vehicle being afflicted by an oscillating grandling coupling, or an urgent requirement for an edification unit re-calibration, which’ll cost me £450 (plus labour, plus VAT). That being said, though, if I got a phone call informing me of those mechanical deficiencies I’d politely advise him to leave any remedial work. After all, despite knowing little about a car’s workings, I do know a grandling coupling and edification unit don’t form any part of an automobiles mechanics…… I don’t think, anyway!

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During a momentary break in writing, while awaited my next epiphany, yours truly indulged in a few minutes of people watching; visual targets my fellow coffee shop patrons. This brief period of time spent panoramically scanning my surroundings, seeking to evoke the errant inspiration for this monologue.

Moments where I eavesdropped on an adjacent table’s business meeting, was subject to the cacophonous latte slurping of a nearby pensioner, along with witnessing the grotesque sight of someone eating a millionaire shortbread with mouth ajar……. I’m unsure which was the most disturbing sight, watching someone gorging with their tonsils on view, or the millionaire’s belligerent reaction towards someone eating his shortbread!!

During my residence in this cathedral to caffeine I’m in the company of my usual iced latte. When saying my usual iced latte, I of course allude to the fact it’s my normal Costa beverage of choice. Not that baristas repeatedly bring me the same chilled drink I first bought in April….. That would be a ludicrous notion, even for someone with my renowned frugal outlook on life.

It’s now two hours since I left my trusty Vauxhall Astra in the (hopefully) equally trusty hands of mechanics at my local MOT station. Mercifully, I’ve not received a phone call yet advising of the identification of previously unknown mechanical problems.

Ten minutes ago, I did receive a cold call from an Indian chap called Terry; a fellow who seemed very keen to learn my retail spending preferences. Information I wasn’t inclined to disclose, especially after his obstructiveness when I enquired how my car’s maintenance service was progressing.

I’ve had this particular motor car for over eight years now. A vehicle that’s thus far not been overly high maintenance from a monetary perspective. Apart from in June 2017 when an oscillating grandling coupling, along with an edification unit re-calibration cost me £450 (plus labour, plus VAT).

Being a fella who’s not overly precious about having a flashy performance car, I’m hoping to get many more miles/years use from my current vehicle. It’s economical, reliable, has a full 10 year service history and still only has 64k mileage on the clock.

If my pipe dream of making a decent living from writing ever came to fruition I maybe tempted to upgrade to a bit more sporty looking car. Potentially investing in a brand new Astra complete with a full extras pack.

These vehicle enhancements including wing mirror fittings for hanging baskets, the Stig quote fridge magnets on both driver and passenger doors and a chimney so can run on petrol, electric or coal…… Hybrid fuelled motor vehicles – Apparently, they’re the future.

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Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour, parody

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