Open Top Bus Ride

With inspiration for today’s narrative topic evading me, today I enlisted online assistance to cajole that subject ‘light bulb moment’. This topic prodding website providing visitors with over 2,000 prompts; a bunch of motivational prompts from which I chose the following: 

‘Follow a group of strangers touring a city on some kind of vehicle – a bus, a duck tour boat, a party bike… Anything which transports passengers’.

If truth be told, so far it hasn’t evoked that many scenes. However, I am going to follow my usual ‘fly by the seat of my pants’ process and see what creative wonders emerge from the depths of my capricious mind.

Right, so if you’re sitting comfortably, I shall begin… Also, if you are sitting comfortably you’re luckier than me; this bloody desk chair is unusually spiky. It feels like I’m sitting on a hedgehog!… Hold on a moment, I am perched on a hedgehog!… How the bloody hell did that get into my first-floor apartment?!

Anyhow, here goes…

Scene – A West Yorkshire metropolis, the final week of the summer school holidays. A thirtysomething single mum (Wanda) and her 13-year-old twin offspring join a queue for an open top bus ride. In front of them, waiting to board the red omnibus, an elderly couple dressed in Pearly King and Queen regalia, a young married couple conversing in an eastern European dialect, and a dorky looking twentysomething adorning a ‘I Love Horse Chestnut Trees’ t-shirt.

Wanda (with misguided gusto to her offspring in the queue) – “I bet you cannot wait to see all of the attractions, can you?”

Jack (her 13-year-old son) – “Why have dragged us on this bus tour, mum?”

“I thought you’d like to see the town’s historic buildings. Take some photos and videos to put on Tik-Tok for your friends to see… Who knows you might get a selfie with a local celebrity like Brad Pitt’s barber.”

“Does Brad Pitt get his hair cut in Dewsbury, mum?” brother Joe piped up rhetorically.

“Erm, No!”

“Well, how the hell would we bump into his barber then?” 

“I didn’t say it was likely!… However, never say never… Unless, of course, there’s a requirement to use the word in a sentence.”

The twins sigh simultaneously.

Ten minutes later, with all ‘tourists’ aboard the red open top, the engine starts, and the driver leaves the stop… To clarify, errr… taking the bus with him. 

Departure signals enthusiast cheers from the Pearly King and Queen, and Wanda gets out her camera phone in anticipation of capturing Dewsbury’s aesthetic scenery. Meanwhile, the eastern European couple have already nodded off. 

The dork sits bolt upright, also with camera ready, coiled ready to snap photos of any horse chestnut trees the vehicle passes. Jack and Joe, sitting behind their mother, lean forward with miserable faces perched on hands; both sigh disconsolately as the scene progresses.

“I really don’t know why you brought us on this, mum?!” a disenchanted Joe posits.

“I want you to witness these beautiful buildings and sample the history of this part of West Yorkshire.”

“But we live in Dewsbury!… We see these bloody sights every day when we come into town on the normal bus!!” Jack chuntered.

“Stop swearing, Jack!”

“Bloody isn’t swearing!… Saying f*ck is.. So is tw*t… But bloody isn’t!”

“What have I told you happens when you swear?!” Wanda scolded.

“A horse chestnut tree loses its leaves!”

“IF THAT’S THE CASE, YOU BETTER STOP BLOODY SWEARING YOU LITTLE B*ST*RDS!” yelled the guy in the ‘I Love Horse Chestnut Trees’ t-shirt two seats away.

“I think you better curb your brisk language as well, mister!” Wanda admonished, with a turn of her head and shake of her finger.

Witnessing Dewsbury’s imposing Victorian Town Hall saw the Pearly King and Queen start whooping, wailing, and leaping from their seats with an alarmingly over the top response. 

Even the ditzy Wanda was moved to comment “I don’t think those two are right in the head!”

“Do you reckon?” Joe sarcastically grunted. His brother adding “You only have to look at what they’re wearing to suss that, mum.”

Wanda ordinarily disapproved of her sons disrespecting other individuals. However, on this occasion felt her progeny were spot on, consequently chosing not to admonish them.

After half an hour, most of the tour stuck in traffic, the open bus ride concluded. On her way to the stairs to alight the bus, Wanda woke the eastern European couple with a sharp shake to the shoulders.

“You seemed to enjoy that.” She observed, engaging with the Pearly King and Queen as they followed her down the stairs. 

“We did, it was brilliant!… But it wasn’t as exciting as prior to the tour when we only got to meet Brad Pitt’s barber in Aldi!”