Due to an ever-growing indifference towards the project, I recently packed in writing a fictional story surrounding the escapades of an emotional support team. GJ Strachan’s lack of enthusiasm borne from realisation he was turning the prose into nothing more than a series of aimless sketches. Subsequently, robbing the story of a believable protagonist and plotline structure.
One of the emotional team member’s Joe Keeley tried talking me out of the decision. However, as he’s a fictional character emanating from deep within my mind, I paid his advocacy little heed.
Although I did placate this made-up fella with a promise I would one day use him in another tale. A piece I was more invested in; a yarn in which he would get to fulfil his ambition of wearing a gladiator outfit and trilby.
Just how I will introduce 20th century headwear into a story 250 BC Rome times remains to be seen, but I owe it to Joe Keeley. I also owe it to other cast members in the aborted emotional support tale, such as Louise Swailes, Bishan Singh, Yvonne Le Boeuf, jimmy Harris, Keith Grimes and Grace Tomkins will also re-appear in alternate writings.
Yvonne was a favourite among the characters created. I introduced into the plot as follows: –
“Yvonne’s exotic surname came courtesy of her French father Claude; her mum Joanne was English. The family moved to England from France, Yvonne’s birthplace, when the girl was twelve. This relocation a consequence of her mother’s desire to return home to nurse her terminally ill mother in Birtdale, UK.
Claude Le Beouf was a stilt walker who met Yvonne’s mother after woodworm had eaten through one of his stilts, causing him to fall on her from a great height during a performance at Lilles Circus.
He claimed it was fate that they met. However, Joanne, who spent two weeks in hospital recovering from her injuries, claimed it was more a consequence of poor wooden leg maintenance.”
Other characters I was fond on where Grace Tomkins and Keith Grimes, who initially appeared in the book as follows: –
“Grace a statuesque brown-haired woman in her late 30’s with bulging green eyes and broad Amazonian shoulders. An affable individual, she was known by the others as a bit of a worrier, constantly apologising to people irrespective of whether she was in the wrong or not.
Keith, around 10 years Grace’s junior, was a tall man with shoulder length blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and a reputation as a ladies’ man. Although, he was already in a ‘steady’ relationship, he frequently strayed into the murky underworld of one-night stands.
Not, mind you, that he would attempt any inappropriate tomfoolery with Grace. After all, she was statuesque lady who, in her own words, would “Chin him.” If he attempted any monkey business.
If that wasn’t enough to deter him, her husband Geoff was a 6ft 4-inch bodyguard to the stars. His portfolio of clients including a Coronation Street extra, the ‘Shake and Vac’ lady and Basil Brush.”
Some may feel abandoning a written piece I had spent hundreds of man hours on as a waste. However, I intend to strip away the better sketches and dialogue interactions for inclusion within alternate literary projects.
What will those alternative projects be, though?
Thus far, I have had notion of a series of short stories. Summaries of these vignettes included below: –
Punctuation Man – An action comic type superhero with a penchant for pedantry. His alter ego a dithering, finicky man named Herst Cart who upon seeing/hearing poor grammar dons a punctuation mark covered cape, visiting the errors culprit to teach him the error of his ways. If this was a real person, I’d expect frequent visits from Punctuation Man.
Cart’s pernickety approach makes him a less endearing to the audience than your mainstream superheroes. However, he means well and if the culprit avoids using split infinities there is little bloodshed and gore within his escapades.
Punctuation Man possesses another superpower; that of being able to accurately guess the weight of a cheese block by just looking at it. I am under no illusions the latter ‘skill’ may take some crowbarring into any upcoming storyline.
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Joan Haggity – A chick flick telling of the eponymous character’s trials and tribulations as a consequence of being born enveloped in feathers.
An endearing girl, Joan fights cruel jibes at her expense throughout childhood. Her mother’s habitual recounting of the Ugly Duckling only slightly selling things would get better when developing into adulthood.
When Joan is still coated in feathers on her 21st birthday, she leaves town in despair. Our heroine moves to Arkansas where she marries a giant goose, and they all live happily ever after… Well, apart from the goose who is a right miserable sod!
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Harper QC – A series of courtroom crime dramas in which brilliant eponymous defence barrister Quentin Harper (QC) plays a latter-day Horace Rumpole. The suave advocate not only always winning the case, but also the woman. Actually, bearing in mind the latter trait, he’s not exactly like Rumpole.
Harper’s genius at prevailing in the most unlikely of victories made even more remarkable by the fact when opening his mouth, panpipe sounds or a ships foghorn blasts are emitted.
Because of this handicap, Harper’s cross examinations are undertaken in conjunction with his lifelong pal Jed Bloon. His buddy translates these idiosyncratic sounds into English. Affording prosecution, judge, and jury insight into Quentin Harper’s brilliant legal mind, which always winning the day.
That is until the end of the series when Harper is shown to be a charlatan who can speak perfect English and knows little, if anything, about the law… Unbeknown to anyone, (apart from me as I wrote it), Jed Bloon, who hatched the ruse with Harper, turned out to be the genius lawyer.
