New Restrictions

There’s three days of self-isolation left for yours truly. Not that I’m acquiring too much euphoria from prospects of new found liberty this Friday. After all, on that ‘momentous’ day GJ Strachan will be undertaking exactly the same bloody activities I’ve carried out in isolation. Well, unless you count occasional sojourns to local stores.

Despite being slightly less complicated for laymen to interpret than the concept of three-tier computer architectures, news of the UK government’s stricter three-tiered plan for combatting coronavirus has led to tears of a different kind

Personally, I remain pragmatic about advent of this legislation endeavouring to contain a second rise in coronavirus cases. Behaviour resultant from the existence of enough grey areas within England’s new edicts for me to maintain a hermit’s life. Unless absolutely necessary.

Consequently, I’m embracing a less jeopardous approach of remaining home, ordering comestibles online, than attempt making sense of inconsistencies surrounding the public’s COVID does/don’ts.

To kill time at the aforementioned home, I mischievously created the following ridiculous legislation, which our leaders would be prudent to include as further actions for combatting the virus spread.

These absurd, clearly fictional, specifications including:-

“Individuals can only visit Tescos supermarkets on camel back. The animals must adhere to strict social distancing protocols when secured in the car park. Any camel prone to spitting must wear a visor.”

“You cannot enter toilets in Wetherspoon’s pubs without wearing full PPE equipment….. Although, on reflection, that’s probably an edict also required when not afflicted by coronavirus!”

“It essential to mitigate against the pathogen’s spread that anyone called Nigel mustn’t wear a trilby in a haberdashery, or stores selling craft materials.”

“As a precaution all cinemas must close…….. Instead, theatre goers should obtain fixes of fright, confusion, uncertainty, entertainment or humour, from the goings on in the real world outside. Scenes that’ll usurp anything creative geniuses in the movie industry could ever dream of producing.”

“Cheesecloth shirts and clogs will be banned from this Friday….. Not as a precaution against contracting coronavirus, merely because they’re sooooo last year, darling!”

“Spontaneous singing of Carpenters medleys outdoors in high risk COVID areas can only be undertaken with a permit…… And a decent voice.”

“A pub doesn’t have to close at 10pm if it’s empty. The landlord, though, is required to address his questionable beer quality and inept hosting skills.”

“English football fans must retrain minds to embrace ballet, or sports where they’re not moved to chant “Your going home in a f***ing ambulance!” at rival fans.”

“Residents in the Yorkshire Dales must resist utilising the phrase ”appen veterinary”……. Unless the recipient of the term is a vet. In which case it’s allowed if wearing a mask and wellingtons.”

“Tory voters can do whatever the f*** they want, on the proviso they wash their hands before and especially after….. Perhaps a time to revisit your political partisanship you lefty rabble rousers?”

“The use of the word unprecedented is now precedented, so should no longer be utilised when discussing COVID related episodes.”

Of course my ramblings above are utterly nonsensical, but during these unprecedented, errr, I mean contemporary, times can we really rule anything in or out?….. Just a thought!

2 Comments Add yours

  1. This is hysterical. You are elected. Let the legislation begin

    1. Thanks, I’ll not let my people down, lol

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