Ask Alexa

It was an order delivered in stern West Yorkshire tones. “Alexa, tern off!” barked at her smart speaker to hush a song distracting the 50-something lass’s concentration during a phone call with her beau. 

Irrespective of the girl’s brusque enunciation, instructions dutifully adhered to by Amazon’s artificial intelligence (AI) goddess. For the uninitiated, “Tern off!” is a West Leeds pronunciation many users of the English language deliver as “Turn off!”

Upon hearing the curt manner in which Alexa’s orders were intonated, the beau (yours truly) concluded it was a) handy the AI software factors in dialect changes when acceding to user requests; and b) it was good she does not have feelings. If the latter was a thing, the Leeds lass’s (Sarah) delivery justifying a response of “Do it yourself, you rude bitch!”

In Sarah’s defence, from experience, she is by no means the only smart speaker user to gruffly bark commands at the long-suffering Alexa. Since the inception of AI assistance via smart speaker I have witnessed numerous instances of similar discourtesy. 

Much of that rudeness incorporating far worse diatribes than my partner’s bluster. Saying that, I have witnessed the Leeds lass proffer numerous volatile putdowns in the Amazon assistant’s direction. Among these polemics, labelling her as a “Silly slag!’, “Deaf bitch!” and “Useless tw@t!” 

The trinity of insults, along with others on Sarah’s rap sheet, taken with grace and diplomacy by Lexi (as no-one calls her). My beau’s incorrigible behaviour always raising a disapproving grin on yours truly’s visage; despite longing for Alexa to fire back at her with a diatribe of “Go f*** yourself!”

Although never insulting Alexa, I abuse her helpful nature through a collection of absurd enquiries. Catechisms such as “Alexa, have you ever knowingly overpaid for a cheese grater?”, “Alexa, when are you gonna stump up rent for living in my smart speaker?”, and “Alexa, what is your favourite junction on the M1 motorway?”

Absolute nonsense, of course, however it feeds my frequent self-indulgent need to follow the ludicrous in the name of a chortle; cheap or otherwise. My non-sequiturs borne from a desire to nourish my soul, soothing my mind.

For those interested, the first two queries result in Alexa responding, “I am sorry, I do not know that one.” The third she doesn’t the question asked; however, in response she advised junction 1B was the only one not affording M1 vehicle access. Apparently that junction only affording vehicles provision to exit the motorway.

Alexa’s refusal to become embroiled in a war of words with her antagonists is refreshing. Artificial Intelligence not prone to the displays of entitlement, misguided grievance and petty disenchantment so often exhibited by us humans.

Individuals who are far more intelligent, along with a bunch less intelligent than I, suggest the evolution of artificial intelligence will result in grave circumstances for us humans. Alexa’s AI progeny creating a dystopian world where they become our masters, turning homo sapiens into acquiescent beings forced to pray at the temple of Simon Cowell. A new era where disingenuous TV presenter Richard Madeley, preserved in formaldehyde after a freak accident where he tripped over his insincerity, gets wheeled out to front a daily political debate show… Thinking about it, though, that’s pretty like the current zeitgeist.

Seriously, though, I have no idea in what way AI will evolve negatively from its mainly useful applications of 2024. If you want informative scientific insight, reading one of my blogs is a foolhardy approach to filling those knowledge voids.

What I’ll give you, though, is my whimsical take on the current AI landscape as I see it. From a personal perspective, my dealings with artificial knowledge interfaces are ordinarily positive. 

I’d love to witness the comic scene of Alexa returning verbal fire at those rudely abusing her. However, it is refreshing Amazon’s lass in your smart speaker doesn’t subject users to the aforementioned displays of entitlement, misguided grievance, and petty disenchantment, as is numerous ‘real’ people’s want.

“What is the message behind this ramble, Gary?”, I hear you cry… Well, the ones who didn’t give up the ghost on this literary hooey in earlier paragraphs.

Perhaps it is the very simple observation my late mum used to posit when deeming her offspring were following an incorrect thought process, “Now, think on!”